Itchy scratchy

You know how some days you just wake up uncomfortable in your own life, in your own skin? Today is one of those days. Luckily, it's a "Mom by Herself" night (S has the kids) and I am hoping to have some quiet time to write and reflect after work this evening.

When I take stock, some of things that were plaguing me a month ago have simmered down - the kids and dealing with Jack's rage fits and everyone's crying outbursts (some of that seems to have dissipated with the arrival of the sunshine and bare-feet weather, thank Jesus), my crap love life, my job insecurity (it is still insecure, but not quite as much so...and for the record, my love life is still utter crap but I don't care as much at the moment), my ongoing financial disaster (met with a financial planner who is sorting out my entire life, haha, or making a stab at it anyway). But the sheer presence of massive uncertainty/unsettledness continues to rifle through my psyche in waves - whenever the hell it feels like it - causing anxiety and unease. So, a few steps forward, a few steps back. Same same.

Had a few really precious encounters with old and dear friends - that truly healed a thousand ills - with a weekend trip to see Rebecca and family (each one of them blesses me in their own way), Valerie (whom I haven't seen in 20 years!), Davy who came to visit me for a weekend and spent time getting to know my kids. Had some visits with Rachel, and those always fill the tank, a few interactions with new friends. I have worked hard this year on reviving and focusing on my friendships. I need them so much to round out my life, to give perspective, and to fill the love tank. I appreciate my friendships on a deep and molecular level. They give life to me, and that's no joke.

But today......today the air feels a bit suffocating and the twinging angst inside me is bee-bopping around just enough to make me want to run and hide. Need a beach day. Need sex. Need a vacation. Need my family. Wish I could spend the weekend in Indiana with all the extended relatives, and my sister and cousins. With mom and dad and the past and the future.

I cannot see one inch into the future today! Cannot imagine at all how my life will unfold from here. What the fuck am I supposed to do from here? Starting your life over at age 42 is no picnic. It can leave you with a bunch of cold chill moments in which you think, I am halfway through and totally unequipped for life's challenges! And alone! What the fuck???!

And then you breathe. And get your ass to work. Stop thinking so much. Get busy. Say a quick prayer of thanks for your children and the roof over your head, food in your fridge, limbs and eyes and ears that work, the paycheck coming direct into the bank today. You do some yoga on your 15-minute break. And you just fucking keep going....

...hoping tomorrow will be a wake-up-to-calm-heart sort of day.

~Selah.~
Ally  

friends and poems = true soul food

Friend,

by Jean Valentine

You came in a dream, yesterday 

--The first day we met 

you showed me your dark workroom 

off the kitchen, your books, your notebooks. 

Reading our last, knowing-last letters 

--the years of our friendship 

reading our poems to each other, 

I would start breathing again. 

Yesterday, in the afternoon, 

more than a year since you died, 

some words came into the air. 

I looked away a second, 

and they were gone, 

six lines, just passing through.

for Adrienne Rich

Beautiful baby boy new to the world xo

Welcome to the world, Baby Kai. You are a most beautiful dream come true!

And congratulations to mom Kenda and dad Bob. Such a precious time in your lives.

~Ally

a happy New Year

from Poem-A-Day on poets.org

The Angel that presided 'oer my birth
by William Blake

The Angel that presided 'oer my birth
Said, "Little creature, form'd of Joy and Mirth,
"Go love without the help of any Thing on Earth."

------------------

To welcome new baby Alvarez. We can't wait to meet you, little darling! Welcome to this beautiful world.

~Aunty Ally

The Lights of Life are Shining

On December 1, something very special will happen in Concord, New Hampshire. Every year, Concord Regional Visiting Nurse Association (CRVNA) and Hospice fills our town, and the surrounding towns of Contoocook, Penacook, Pittsfield, Henniker, and Hillsboro, with hundreds of electric window candles. Downtown businesses, shopkeepers, and restaurant owners light these candles in their windows, so that every evening in December, the memory of loved ones who have passed shines for all to see.

Anyone can make a monetary donation or simply add a loved one’s name to the Lights of Life Honor Roll. The list of names will be published in the Concord Monitor at some point during the week of December 5. You can visit http://www.crvna.org/donations/lightsoflife.php for more information.

CRVNA holds a ceremony on December 3 to celebrate life and honor the people we carry in our hearts from year to year. Mom, Scott, and I will be there.

These are the names I added to the list this year:

Larry Cox

Les Cox

Lee Holman

Kenny Cox

Katie Gober

Caralee Ladd

Anne Heine

Frans Amelinckx

Jack Savage

Tom Little

Casey Migacz

Pete Vanderboom

Tip Snyder

Mae Beck

You are among heroes, each of you ~ the most beautiful, most true, most loved, and we remember you fondly.

Celebrate these wonderful people with me, and if you have the chance to drive through Concord, enjoy the beautiful candles and pick one for your special person. Happy Holidays!

~Ally

A little bit of fennel, a lot of love

Dear Sarah Barry,

After just fifteen years, Sarah, [I always was a late bloomer] I finally got my mortar & pestle. I remember watching you grind fennel seeds, releasing that blissful aroma, preparing onions and garlic (for every dish!), practicing the perfect rice, trying Indian recipes, stir fry's, and experimenting with exploding, fantastical rice noodles. Oh. Those were good days and I can still feel the warm glow from your living room, catch the hot and steamy scent of good food cooking in your wok, hand-oiled, in that tiny, run-down kitchen in the back of your mother-in-law's house, or other times, in our shared apartment. You taught me to love cooking food, and to relish health and creative artistry at the same time.

I burst my new mortar & pestle out of its box, without even washing it (and you know how I feel about germs), and threw in some fennel, ground the seeds wide open and tossed them into the tomato, onion and sausage quiche I am preparing for dinner. It's baking now, and I am thinking of you with fond and loving memories.

Thank you for teaching me to love, Sarah, in so many wonderful ways. And thank you for bringing me to a deep love of cooking delicious food.

Love, Ally

photos by Scott Snyder

Oldies but goodies

Some great photos I found while perusing through old files...

Scott snowshoeing in Franconia Notch, 2007 - isn't he handsome?

(taken by me)

Dad and me coming down the beach, heading to the wedding, 2003

(taken by Steven Johnson)

I loves my Daddy.

(taken by Steven Johnson)

Me and Laurel at Profile Falls, NH, 2007

(taken by Scott Snyder)

Matthew as a baby, curling up in Tip's bed! 2005

(taken by me or Scott)

Scott and me, just after our wedding ceremony on Ogunquit Beach.

(taken by Steven Johnson)

Ally in the Lupine, Sugarhill, NH 2007

(taken by Scott)

Allison & Scott coming down the aisle as a happy married couple, 2003.

(taken by Steven Johnson)

Me and Scott, kayaking at Grape Island, 2005.

With Tip's ears in the front corner!

(taken by Laurel?)

Great things I did on my summer "vacation"...

...and it's not even half over yet!

1) Went on a 3,008-mile road trip with Scott to visit friends, family, grandkids, and an old college buddy.

2) Had dinner in Andover with Kel.

3) Talked on the phone regularly with Robin in Canada.

4) Helped Laurel and Conrado (and Bumbers) move into their first new home!

5) Went surfing with Scottie and Mattie in Hull at the wonderful (and missed) Nantasket Beach...followed up by dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant, Punjab Cafe in Quincy.

6) Went kayaking on a beautiful mountain lake with Barb and Ted.

7) Planted flowers on Dad's pretend grave for Father's Day and introduced Scott to the Concord Beef & Seafood store. (And later, the quirky, strange and delicious Gas Lighter Restaurant, which has a Ms. Pac Man machine!!!...I am in heaven.)

8) Hiked up to the Canterbury Water Tower with Izzy and Tammy.

9) Doggie-sat for Dufus, our favorite canine neighbor.

10) Went to Beech Hill Farm (to visit our favorite goats and their new goat-lings, donkey, and ice cream barn), and to Dimond Hill Farm for incredibly fresh and delicious produce.

11) Started going weekly to the Concord Farmers' Market, and sometimes the Art Market and other local farm stands.

12) Went to the wonderful hidden treasure, the Mill Brook Gallery and Sculpture Garden.

13) Took photographic adventures with Scott, including Merrill Pond and Bear Brook State Park, to name a few.

14) Saw the hysterical musical, "A Year with Frog and Toad," and yes, I said Frog and Toad.

15) Had a great Fourth of July with Mom, Laurel and family, and Scott, including swimming at the pool AND Lake Winnisquam, and fireworks in downtown Laconia.

16) Swam in the Merrimack River with Mom and Scott on a lazy hot afternoon.

17) Went to warm and inviting gatherings with White Mountain Sangha.

18) Enjoyed backyard-neighbor barbecues and fellowshipping.

19) SWAM IN OUR NEW POOL!!!!

20) Just enjoyed a wonderful and too-fast weekend at Grape Island in Maine with Laurel & Co. and Laurel's family, including old summertime friends and Conrado's sister Shanti (whom we just love).

What am I missing? I'm sure I'll remember some other fun soon.

I am blessed and grateful.

~ Ally

(photo by Scott Snyder)

Good Things

A list for Caralee, my dear friend who is sick in her body but not in her heart:

GOOD THINGS:

The first day of spring when you roll down the car windows to feel that whoosh of cool air.

Trading in your shoes and socks for sandals and painted toenails.

Getting a real letter in the mail!

Finding a fiver in your pocket from last year.

Not having to wait for the cable guy from 2-5 (that's as close as we can estimate...).

Cats rolling around on their backs on the patio because, oh, it feels soooo good!

Putting the plants back outside and hoping, waiting, for flowers to bloom.

Having an old friend come visit you with no agenda, just wanting to be with you a while.

Getting a compliment from your boss at work!

Getting a raise (even better...).

The first day of softball weather - you know what I'm talking about. Mmmm.

Homemade meals where you can actually taste the love cooked in.

A delightful surprise!

Daffodils - 'nuff said.

White birch trees standing like ghosts on the edge of the water.

Cooking out the first steak of summer (which we did on Saturday).

Walking in the woods with your mom.

Looking through old pictures that make you laugh all over again.

Campfires. Oh, that smell!

Snuggling up with a warm puppy dog who is so, so tired.

Cats with extra toes (believe me, and O'Reilly, this is a constant delight)!

Writing out your thoughts and feelings.

Time to sew.

The joy of waiting for someone you love to walk through that door.

Knowing you are loved.

Love you Caralee! Many blessings and hugs~

Ally

Back row: sisters Laurie and Jennifer

Front row: Kaylee (the pooch), dad Emerson, Caralee, and mom Doris

and this is Caralee's favorite muttsky, Kaylee

(photos by Emerson)

This Simple Woman's Day Book

The Simple Woman's Day Book . . .


FOR TODAY, March 26, 2010

Outside My Window... it has turned to night. The sun stays out longer now and the air has been quite warm, though today, evening brought a chill with it. New Hampshire is officially in Springtime, as the snow and ice have melted, buds have begun on the bravest of trees, and the ticks, bees, geese, and even one sly black fly have returned. Don't they know it's only March? Ripe time for a blizzard. But our pool house opened today and we have forgotten our mittens and shovels altogether.

I am thinking... how amazing it is that a song, a scent, or the words of a stranger can evoke the strongest heart pulls toward an old friend. Last night, I heard a Little Song by Sarah Jarosz that made me long in my heart for my friend Molly, whom I have not seen in years. Today, the scented oil at the massage therapist reminded me of Amy - and now that sweet smell is on my skin, continuing to bring me back to my dear sister-like friend. Some moments in life never fade on the inside, and we are blessed by the unexpected reminders.

I am thankful for... the wonderful women with whom I work - who are kind, generous, and able to laugh at themselves. Today at work we celebrated Social Workers' Month. In Hospice, this is a particularly hard job, not for the weak of heart. I used to know a woman who worked with Aids patients. I wondered how she could endure such pain and suffering on a daily basis. Now I know that it is in helping people through their most vulnerable, frightening, and fragile times that our hearts are strengthened to love more fully, listen more deeply, and relax into the ever-present changes of a life.

From the kitchen... Scott and I will soon be enjoying the L&A Sausage Quiche, which I made again last night. Delicious! Will make some blueberry muffins - good ol' 50 cent Jiffys are still the simplest and best in my opinion - and maybe a salad to accompany the eggy pie.

I am wearing... jammies, since I am a) off work, b) home, and c) ready to enjoy a relaxing weekend! It's movie night here at Snyderville tonight - we are deciding between a scary one (Sixth Sense), a silly one (Boat Trip), and an interesting one (The Real Dirt on Farmer John).

I am creating... new habits of relaxation and de-stressing my body. Each day I work on stretching, sleeping, and bringing down my crazy by deep breathing, meditating, reading on my lunch hour, or taking in the natural world around me.

I am going... to a moving party tomorrow. Sarge, my 84-yr old friend is finally moving out of the big family house and into some more affordable apartment housing. It will be a big relief for those of us who do his finances and help with his complicated old man life. But it will probably be hard for him to leave that old house. He loves his yard projects, his gardening, his "home improvement" ventures, and most of all, his independence. How will we convince him that living in an apartment does not mean he isn't independent? And he will be right downtown, able to do all the walking and visiting he loves, shopping in his daily haunts and running up his tab at Madeleine's. All good things. His wife died in that house, and he has put in 50 years of love, sweat, and toil. I hope tomorrow he will be buoyed by friendship and laughter, and not too sad.

And FOR TODAY, March 29, 2010

I am reading...
The Elegant Gathering of White Snows, by Kris Radish

This is an amazing book that tells the stories of eight women who decide one night to take off from their lives and begin walking through the night, and then many following days. They are on a pilgrimage of sorts to think about and evaluate their lives, sharing sorrows and unraveling the tales of how they experienced life. I don't know how to put it in graceful words, but this book is very powerful and moving. Each woman's life is part of the universal story of women everywhere. It is definitely worth reading. I have been enjoying it bit by bit on my lunch hours, falling into the prose and not wanting to stop reading.

I am hoping... I have so many hopes right now I don't know where to begin. But I am also thinking on a principle from Donna Q. about how the combination of our longings and self loathing thoughts form a constant circle of frustration. Our attachments to wants and "shoulds" bind rather than free us. But meanwhile, a few of my hopes are: that Sarge can accept and delight in his new life in the apartment; that Caralee can have a break from her cancer pain and suffering and enjoy the many last days of her life; that Lauren will find a close woman friend in Mexico to share her joys, thoughts, and burdens; that my grandmas will feel loved and well taken care of in Indiana and Minnesota; that Kenda's wedding plans will bring her joy and turn into a wonderful day she will love remembering; that Laurel's new job will be a blessing to her; that my father and Grandpa C. will know they are loved and remembered, wherever they are; and that Dad will send a special blessing to Mom for their anniversary this weekend.

I am hearing... the hum of the noisy but comforting refrigerator. It is time for bed and I am avoiding the start of a new and exhausting week. But I am grateful to not be experiencing The Sunday Night Dread, as I have been lucky enough to find a job I like.

Around the house... are piles of tasks waiting to be accomplished - laundry, financial papers, my new pine cone project (from beautiful branches I gathered on our walk at the Pine Barrens on Saturday), library books to return, movies to watch and return, Pete's birthday present to mail and Easter goodies to be stuffed in baskets...the list goes on and on...

One of my favorite things... is cooking for someone else. Tonight I enjoyed making an Aztec Casserole for a dear friend and nurse with whom I work. I bribed her with Mexican food so she'd work an extra on-call shift tomorrow. I happily prepared her meal tonight, while listening to traditional mariachi love songs and cooking up a storm. I also made homemade cornbread for the first time, and it was yummy! Scott and I thoroughly enjoyed our Mexican treats before K. gets the rest tomorrow. I love cooking for my husband too.

A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week... I did a lot of my errands and appointments last week. So this week I will spend time with Scott, work on finances and budgeting, clean up the house, and get ready for Easter with Mom on Saturday and Sunday. I bought the eggs to be colored and the goodies to fill Easter baskets, and gathered some special pine cone twigs for decorating. What am I, Martha Stewart? I also desperately need a haircut, so maybe I can make that happen this week. Do the world a favor, right??

Here is picture thought I am sharing...


And there you have it, my Simple Woman's Day Book. View other entries at Simple Woman's Day Book. Try writing one yourself! It makes a lovely snapshot of your life, as it is - perfect in all its beautiful imperfection - today.

~Ally

What we've been up to

I processed some of my photos tonight and wanted to show you what Scott and I have been doing.

This is Bear Brook State Park, where we went in October. It's so beautiful there.


On the anniversary of our wedding, we went to the apple orchard in Canterbury, and saw these little chickens in the road~
At the orchard...

I saw this tree at Bear Brook and thought it was so stunning and comforting.
This is Sarge, my friend from Concord. We visited his sister's grave.

And you know this guy.
Here are a few great shots by Scott that you may have missed:

The spotted newt, New Hampshire's state amphibian~







Which was your favorite?

~Ally

An old friend

Sometimes a visit from an old friend is just what I need to get back on track, gain some perspective, laugh it off, and turn my cobwebbed heart around.

My oldest friend Dave came for a visit this weekend. In my mind, he is Dave from Texas, but it has been eight years now...he's really Davy from New York City. He is all Manhattan now and I love seeing the many transformations. We stayed up late each night talking about everything and anything. We told stories, secrets, hopes and dreams, troubles, sorrows, and ideas. We talked faith, sex, politics, grief, and relationships. We remembered events together back in church youth group and talks we had in college, visits in other states. We remembered the ways we had hurt each other over time, the falling out and coming back together.

He got along so well with Scott and also my mom, who came for dinner on Saturday night. It was just a wonderful time and I really needed that.

Ready to start fresh, make some good choices, share some love, and have my birthday.

How are you?

~Al

Things That Are Great About an Old Friend Visiting

1. She wants to look at my wedding albums...again. :)

2. She brings her children, who are beautiful, creative mixtures of her and her husband's personality. Yet they are also unique, interesting, and delightful in their own rights.

3. Wilbur Chocolate Buds. Mmm.

4. She knew me when. (And still comes to visit.)

5. She remembers the context for all my stories. So when we stay up until 1 a.m. talking each night, we cover a lot of ground!

6. She stopped judging me years ago. She just loves me.

7. I can confess my deep darks, like baby insanity and grief stories and how I accidentally got fat.

8. I remember when she was several different variations of herself and have perspective on how far she's come and how much she's grown.

9. I remember when she was heavier, so I always like to remark on her beautiful, svelte looks! And her new post-baby, sexy curly hair. Who doesn't love those compliments?

10. When she leaves, I know she'll be back. And she knows I really want to come visit her house too.

The best thing is how we can jump right in, as if a year hasn't passed.

(photo not taken by me)

Good, good friend. So glad for the visit.

~Ally

Some pics to amuse you

This is how I've been feeling (and acting) lately:

This is Laurel at Grape Island in Maine:

This is where Scott and I stayed for the weekend:

This is Baby Nora and New Mom Erin.

(photos not by me)

On a dusty road to Mexico

We're getting ready for Mom to go to Mexico on Thursday, to visit with Lauren and Co. for a month. I don't want her to go, though I know Lauren needs her and the time will be good for them. I guess what I mean is, I don't want to be away from Mom for that long. I need her so much right now and feel more attached to her than ever. Thursday will be the anniversary of Dad's death - I guess an appropriate day for Mom to see both daughters in one day. The loss of Dad snuck up on me like a ton of bricks yesterday as I was driving to a friend's baby shower in Mass. Thinking about the lack of Dad when/if I get pregnant and how much I wish he were still here, how much we all still had to talk about and do together. And no, this is not a case of, "If only I had said" or opportunities lost. This is a case of "It sucks that I have to live the rest of my life without my father." And I miss him terribly.

Wonder when the grief will let go of its death grip (pun intended). It still affects everything. My son-in-law is struggling right now and I want to say to him,"It's the fucking grief!" He lost his brother a few months ago. The grief takes hold forever, it seems, but eventually, things do get a little easier, a little more normal.

This is going to be a hard week. Scott and I seem to be living like ships passing in the night - emotionally anyway. Sometimes we looked at each other this past week with the look of, "Who the heck are you and what are you doing in my living room?" Marriage, another long and dusty road. If one partner doesn't feel well, no one does. I wish things didn't feel like work so much for us right now. Nothing coming easily.

That's not true. I did make a spontaneous friend and pint-sized friend at the baby shower - a delightful Chinese woman and her daughter (who latched onto me like I was Aunty Ally). I feel in love with the both of them. They are heading back to China to live soon though and I probably will never see them again. Still, I am grateful for that beautiful feeling when you meet someone and like them instantly, knowing you could be friends. Rare and wonderful.

How are you, reader? What's new?

~Ally
p.s. Lauren, I wish Scott and I could come to Mexico too! That would be the best of all scenarios! Have enough fun for all of us. xoxo

Friendship is looking up!

Want to find out how you can be a better friend? Know your sign? Then check out this fun article - there's some simple advice just for you!

And I promise to forgive you if you don't read it. ;)

~Virgo

Dinner Gals Go Green

Saturday, we had another wonderful evening with the Dinner Gals - but this time, a new crowd! Melissa, Alli, and Laurel were unable to join us but two new members, Faith and Louise, joined me and Jesse for a great meeting.

I am thrilled that there are so many unexpected and interesting cross-interests. For example, we have several moms with young children - three out of four of us on Saturday have young sons! A couple of the gals are single. There are several gals who support themselves or their families with careers. And at least three of us are working on launching or surviving in our own businesses - Louise has a women's adventure travel company, Melissa is a wedding and child portraiture photographer, and I am working with Scott on selling his photography and working with my mom on a freelance writing and editing business. The tips we can share about entrepreneurship will be invaluable!

I am finding this group to be invigorating. After the meetings, I feel opened up and alive, ready to tackle new projects and inspired about making changes in my life. Particularly after discussing ways to "green" our lifestyles on Saturday, I am renewing my desire to make a difference on this planet of ours. My new goal: to get a few BPA(?)-free water bottles so I can stop buying the disposable kind (which I really love). I am also going to work on using my cloth bags for shopping. Louise said her grocery store doesn't even offer plastic bags any more, and is phasing out paper, so if you forget your reusable bags, you are outta luck! That's incentive.

We agreed last night that finding new friends with commonalities and differences is a blessing we all can use. What a joy to laugh for three and a half hours!

Off to collect some rainwater to water my plants! :)

Ally

p.s. Next meeting's topic will be: Finding Our Spirituality. What is your story? Where have you come from and where are you going? What types of spiritual practices do you incorporate into your daily life and how does that influence the rest of your life? What are you looking for in terms of nurturing your spiritual self?

The Dinner Gals a wild success!

Our first womens' group meeting went swimmingly and was so much fun! Five of us met at a central location in Massachusetts. Two others couldn't make it but want to come to the next meeting.

We discussed our interests, stories from our lives, kids, husbands, etc. But not too much men talk, so chillax, guys! Mostly just girly talk plus ridiculous amounts of laughter, and it was delightful! The women have interesting things in common, like some are moms, some are career gals, all went to college - and almost all went to Christian colleges, which is unusual.

We talked about goals for the future, things we worry about, and what we would like to see out of this group. We hope to discuss several topics, like amazing things to do before we die (The Bucket List!), how to "green" our lives, how to find and nurture our spiritual selves, how women are viewed in the media and society, and gender roles. Yes, we are gonna talk about those Dove ads and if we can really believe them!

The topic for our April meeting will be: Greening Our Lives. What have you done to become more environmentally conscious? What kinds of habits have you already incorporated? What would you like to add to your life, or what do you want to know more about? So a past/present/future look at becoming more healthy and environmentally friendly. Looking forward to it!

~Ally

The Dinner Gals - my women's group starts tonight!

Women. Talking. Eating. Sharing Wisdom. Telling Secrets. Laughing Out Loud. Making New Friends.

What's not to love?

Can't wait for tonight.
~Ally

A New Friend

You may have seen this go around the email turnstyle. Scott sent it to me this morning and I love it. Not sure who took the pictures.
~

GUESS WHO CAME HOME FOR DINNER?

This fawn followed this beagle home ---- right through the doggie door ---- in the Bittinger, MD. area recently. The owner came home to find the visitor had made himself right at home.