http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...

Thursday, March 12, 2020

Outside my window...
is a grey cement block with a cell tower on it. Super boring. But just enough light through my window to grow five beautiful plants. Grateful.

I am thinking...

about the nature of human flexibility. It is a difficult character trait for me to be very good at. But it continues to be necessary more than most other qualities, necessary in succeeding at life.

I am thankful...

for a real family, odd as it is configured, after all. There is me and the kids, my ex, my current partner, and my mom. Throw in some friends and neighborhood buddies, some mom/dad friends (meaning, because of the kids). and some long-losts. It feels like home anyway.

I am wearing...

the same jeans for four days in a row. A sure sign of depression/boredom/the blahs.

I am creating...

children who routinely ask the big questions, wonder about the world and how they can affect it, care about others (even strangers), and seek to know spiritual truths. I am creating children who know who they are and value themselves, all while they learn about each other. They have a lot of theories about a lot of things. Never short on confidence, imagination, or questions. This makes my heart glad.

I am going...to go with the flow with this crazy coronavirus. Everything is a question mark - everything at work, on my calendar, in the future. There's nothing I can do but flow.

I am wondering...

if I will ever get a vacation this year. Like a real vacation. Every one seems to slip just out of reach. I truly need to get away with some me time, some adult time, or I'm gonna go nuts. Part of the depression slog is just a pure lack of vacation. I honestly can't remember the last vacation. For me - probably California last January (ugh), and for the family, Indiana in June. Not sure I have been anywhere since then. Grape Island...which is fun but a whole lot of work. I am talking about relaxation.

I am reading...

 

I am Having So Much Fun Here Without You: A Novel, by Courtney Maum.

I am also addicted to the podcast "Strangers."

I am hoping...

for a vacation. Everything else I thought I had in place just came spontaneously crashing down, so why not shoot for the stars?

I am learning...

to wait. And then wait. And wait some more. Patience....this is taking me a whole life to learn.

In my garden...

I bet the tiny daffodils are sprouting. They certainly are at home! It has been so unseasonably warm. All the little flowers - tulips, daffodils, crocuses, snow drops (!!), day lilies are poking up through the soil and showing their stems. I hope they don't get frozen and crushed with another winter snow - likely - but maybe they won't! If we had a long spring this year, that would make a HUGE difference to my mood. Some time in the garden/dirt would do me a world of good.

In my kitchen...

there are multiple undone or unfinished art projects. My kids seem to have gone off art somewhat. Which is so sad for me as I loved doing art projects with them! Now if I can get them to color for 20 minutes it's a miracle.

A favorite quote for today...

"A balloon only floats when it's filled with helium. So fill up those dreams so they can get off the ground!"

A peek into one of my days...

One of my favorite things...
is the sensory swing. Kinda feel like taking a nap in it right now.

Post Script 

Water what you want to grow.

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Turning to Gratefulness to Cheer Myself Up

Recently I suffered a bit of a setback in the heart department. Coming to terms square in the face with some disappointing relationships and unmet needs. I am trying to remember to praise for all the wonderful things in my life - and there are many - and not focus on the holes...but the body and spirit feel differently than the logical mind...at least in my case. So I am again utilizing this exercise from christiezimmer.com.

Six things, people, and places you adore:

1. Being kissed and hugged by my boy. Yesterday I saw him in the morning as I dropped off Lucy at her Dad's house. Jack screamed, "Mommy!!!!!!" and gave me the sweetest loves. That boy fills up my heart.
2. I have PLANS TO adore my new office that Bob, Nate, and Rob have created and prepared for me. The walls are a golden yellow/tan color and two walls are "Rachel Pink" (which is truly Rachel and Me pink, from all our trips). There is crisp white ceiling and molding, a pretty sun-filled window, a space for my sewing table - what there was of it - and now, the cube bookcase I have always wanted, with rose back wall and white shelves, in perfect squares. I can't wait to unpack and create a space warm and full of love and Me Space.
3. My garden. The garden road is open again, drive-able. I need to dig out my perennials and take them to my new house. But it's hard to truly imagine giving up that sacred space. Not sure I will.
4. Liz and Tara, two of my coworkers who like to come talk early in the morning. We share stories, feelings, encouragement, and by the end of the workday, laughs, and my classic photos of monkeys doing silly things to cheer us. I am very grateful for them.
5. Doing Girl Scouts with my girl, Lucinda. Tonight we will probably deliver more GS cookies around the neighborhood. Tomorrow we will go to a field trip at the Christa McAuliffe Planetarium and Saturday she has cookie booth at Dunks, allowing me some 1:1 with Jack for an hour. I love her heart for others.
6. I adore my old single life. I have an urge to road trip, to drive to Canada on a whim, to listen to music loudly in the car, to write long journal entries, to have coffee and pie and a cigarette in a Midwestern diner (don't judge me, it's blissful). I miss that girl.

One thing you've worked hard to achieve: 

I have worked hard to achieve a respected reputation at work, to be dependable, reliable, a good writer and editor, a good responder to questions, a problem solver, a contributor (though this also drives people crazy sometimes), to be a good communicator, organized, an excellent planner who pulls off conferences and events making it look seamless and smooth (no matter what's going on in the background), someone who remains professional while others are acting out bad behavior, and someone who chips in and helps, who values teamwork and kindness over back-stabbing and gossip. I am not perfect and some of these areas are more of a struggle for me than others. But I will continue to give respect and hold high standards, in the hopes of getting the same in return. All I can control is me. Today I will work on doing better with my words and keeping them positive and kind.

One thing that's going well right now:

I am doing pretty well at managing out my tax return money. I have a long list of things I want to use it for - some have already been purchased and some are on hold in savings. I am trying to think about priorities when I spend my money. My weakness is always in the dribs and drabs - a coffee here, lunch out bc I didn't take steps to make a lunch, planning $30 for an outing with the kids and accidentally spending an additional $30 on random food nonsense they want or stupid toys.....but I am being conscious about this right now. Noticing my weak spots and working on changing them. I also notice that the deeper I fall into this faith/money project, the more generous I feel with my money - willing to give some up here and there for others bc I am seeing that God is in fact taking care of my basic needs. I am going to keep practicing.
 
Two subjects or pursuits you're passionate about:

I am passionate this year, as I said, in thinking about priorities. How do we spend our time? Our money. Do the things I do each day represent what I say are my priorities and goals? And in lieu of that, where do I need to make adjustments? Some priorities: my kids and their health and social lives/friendships and their sense of safety. I have spent a lot of time and money lately tending to their health - mental and physical - and getting them the swings and weighted blankets (thank you Jesus) for their sense of safety. I have developed a long and sometimes exhausting bedtime routine that they seem to cling to and need, to support their feelings of being at home in my house and feeling safe and loved. I am trying to listen more - to ask them what they think or how they feel and then just hush and listen in case they want to speak and it takes a minute. I am having a lot of friends over to help them develop these important relationships; and in doing so, I am building my mom/dad tribe that I can lean on when I need support. Another priority: time with my sister. I didn't have enough money to take us to go see her. But I am trying to be more available on the phone via text and checking in. I am hoping to receive a visit from her and sent her some money to help out. I am trying to share some thoughts w her that I have kept to myself for a long time, like about my faith and relationships and inner feelings. I know she cherishes that information. Another priority that I need to spend more time and energy on: my relationship with Hoka, and my relationship with Mom. I am working on carving out some space to tend to them in their love languages [H: acts of service, M: quality time]. It's not easy to find the energy for everything but it's important. Also my health - need to quit smoking, need more massage and not to cancel those appts, and need more alone time. Again, how?? Also travel and time with Rachel. Also writing. Oh there are so many. I could go on and on.

I am passionate about my own personal learning and growth over the past year and for the year to come. I am spending time learning new things, sharing them out with others, and facilitating the peer-to-peer learning that is so invaluable (and relatively easy to accomplish). I am putting some time into the adjacent union trainings that supplement my paid work. I am also trying to take advantage of ways to learn how to BE a better trainer - this is something I really want to work on and build my skills. Open to opportunities.

Two people you can count on for warm hugs and kind words:

1. Lucy
2. Caitlyn C.

Three things to look forward to:

1. Listening to part II of Lea Taub's search-for-love story on my new favorite podcast, "Strangers." She is amazing and I love the podcast. I have had the desire to write to every single person she's had on so far. And I may.

2. I am looking fwd to a night in a nice hotel next Thursday and dinner with the friends I only see a few times a year, my conference helpers. It's always a fun time.

3. I am looking forward to escaping this emotional swamp. I don't know if the moon is in a trine or whatever the fuck....but it needs to stop and get on with it. Maybe a little dirty-knees time in my old garden will help. God, I am looking forward to gardening again. I have missed and needed it like you don't even know.

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Oh my....Chiapas is HUGE!

from wikipedia
"Chiapas (Spanish pronunciation: [ˈtʃjapas] (listen)), officially the Free and Sovereign State of Chiapas (Spanish: Estado Libre y Soberano de Chiapas), is one of the 32 states that make up the 32 federal entities of Mexico. It is divided into 124 municipalities as of September 2017^[9][10] and its capital city is Tuxtla Gutiérrez. Other important population centers in Chiapas include Ocosingo, Tapachula, San Cristóbal de las Casas, Comitán and Arriaga. It is the southernmost state in Mexico. It is located in Southeastern Mexico, and it borders the states of Oaxaca to the west, Veracruz to the northwest and Tabasco to the north,^[11] and by the Petén, Quiché, Huehuetenango and San Marcos departments of Guatemala to the east and southeast. Chiapas has a coastline along the Pacific Ocean to the south.

In general, Chiapas has a humid, tropical climate. In the north, in the area bordering Tabasco, near Teapa, rainfall can average more than 3,000 mm (120 in) per year. In the past, natural vegetation in this region was lowland, tall perennial rainforest, but this vegetation has been almost completely cleared to allow agriculture and ranching. Rainfall decreases moving towards the Pacific Ocean, but it is still abundant enough to allow the farming of bananas and many other tropical crops near Tapachula. On the several parallel "sierras" or mountain ranges running along the center of Chiapas, climate can be quite temperate and foggy, allowing the development of cloud forests like those of the Reserva de la Biosfera el Triunfo, home to a handful of resplendent quetzals and horned guans.

Chiapas is home to the ancient Mayan ruins of Palenque, Yaxchilán, Bonampak, Chinkultic and Toniná.^[12] It is also home to one of the largest indigenous populations in the country with twelve federally recognized ethnicities."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiapas

Ten Minutes

There were several signs today that I was going to step in it one way or the other. Not that the day is over...

My horoscope started like this:
"You're learning, but you're just not quite there yet. The Fool signifies inexperience and, of course, a certain amount of foolishness when it comes to love...there is still plenty for you to learn...keep your eyes open for roadblocks along the way and try not to stumble over them." Riiiiight.

My mind was all over the place today, darting from one subject to the next, wandering, fixating, drifting....

I managed to get a good deal of work done despite it all. And bought a couch. And made some appts and managed some paperwork. But really, with the sheer amount of energy I had, a little focus would have been helpful.

I now have 7 minutes left to decompress the day before switching gears to Mommy Mode. Am about to go pick up Lucy for 1:1 time, Tuesdays w Lucy - one of my favorite days of the week. But I am anxious and nervous, as I often am before picking up the kids, and also too hyped up on caffeine.

I have been wanting to write all day but can't get the words out. I did a lot of business writing today, as well as editing, so that exercised the muscle. But there are things that need to be said. They will have to wait.

Another roller coaster today: my emotions. Honestly, maybe it's ALL due to too much caffeine!

I am on the verge with so many projects. The precipice. About ready to leap.

And in other personal projects, I have started, and now am in an uncomfortable place. Like the church project - I finally joined a group and now I find myself weekly in a very uncomfortable, ill-used space of thinking about and moreso, talking about, my faith. I told my friend about this yesterday and he said, "Well good for you for stretching yourself." It was then I realized, yes, that is what I am doing. Not entirely sure why but the time seemed right. I have been exploding with learning all year, and soaking it all up like a sponge. But this church thing...there are so many personal hurdles to overcome. I don't like that there isn't really anyone I can talk to about it.

Next day (2/19)
...Nobody else in my circle except for one friend shares my faith per se, and can discuss it openly. Most people I am close to reject religion or do not know how to talk about it. Speaking of unused muscles, I am now using one of mine.

I did make several goals w Rachel this year (side-by-side, but independent for the most part). I have managed to make progress on a few already! Only February! I make goals instead of resolutions. No point in making promises I can't keep...but having a direction to walk...that i find helpful. And I can use the goals as a navigational beacon throughout the year. I go back to them a lot.

Did revive my peer training project in the union at work, so that is positive. Also continue on the monthly newsletters. Have been serving friends in a variety of ways - and have been compelled to do so, even beyond what feels reasonable. I have been following my heart. And all works out.

I am doing a faith project re: finances and have completely redone my budget accordingly. This Sunday, I decided to sponsor a second child from Compassion International. Both boys are in Chiapas, Mexico, but that is a state and I don't have a handle on how big of a territory it is. Suppose I better do some research. I want to be more supportive emotionally and with letters to Cristian, and now we will also get to know Allejandro. He is a little older, maybe 11-12, and I hope he feels supported by us as the months go by. They said at church that the families receive a lot in terms of food, healthcare, education, resources when one child is sponsored. Often the siblings will rejoice when one gets chosen. That makes me happy.

I continue my intense project (with work friends) on racial bias, and so am v conscious right now of White Saviorism, and very much not interested in that effect. But this organization asked for help and the children are in extreme poverty and in dire need of assistance. The children ask for sponsorship, so I am going to proceed with love and humility. Thank you, God, for this opportunity to reach out to one the way I wish we could reach out to many.

Off to a meeting. More focused today. Rather productive. Also bored and a little iffy emotionally. But mostly fine.

Ally