grief

It is so very complicated. Not unlike our other up-and-down relationships - years gone by, details forgotten, then remembered in an instant.

My friend Jean who works in hospice calls the sudden just-happened-yesterday moments "grief bursts." She is so right. Attending a funeral that feels a little too familiar. Insert my family members instead of these random strangers and we are at Dad's funeral all over again. The songs the choir sings - are they singing for you, Dad?

Dad seems to keep showing up in the form of great and majestic birds...not surprising, really. The other day, a Peregrine falcon flew alongside Scott's car, right at eye level on the drivers' side, looking at him while he drove. They beheld each other. It made Scott cry and opened up his heart in a big, momentary way. Earlier, there was the eagle that flew right over us and landed in a tree a mere twenty feet away, too low for an eagle to land, too close to not be some kind of sign of your presence. And the loon(s). And the hawks that circle above or the black crows, always flying in twos, that lead me on many days. I see you. I'm glad you are flying now. You waited a long time to fly.

About a week ago (or two now?), my friend died. Literally five minutes later, another friend's husband passed. The next day as my mother told me of both events, I felt them sit down in my heart and stay awhile. The heaviness of grief can be overwhelming. Our friend's husband's memorial was a few days later. Mom and I went and boy, if it didn't feel a little close for comfort. The wife, now widowed, gave a long message at her husband's service, attributing all his accomplishments and passions to his great strength of character, blessing his children by telling everyone how much she had loved him. It hurt, in a good way. The wife asked Mom to read a piece on grief. In it was the phrase, "grief is my friend." And Mom would not read that. She just couldn't. But I could have because I have become so entwined with that relationship, that "otherness" of Grief that it might as well be a member of the family.

It is not a friend in the sense of comforting - or maybe it is. But it is close to us, always present, showing its colors in different forms. Like the fact that at coming on two years past Dad's death, I am just about strong enough to finally read his fishing memoir. I loaned the book to a co-worker in hospice, a social worker, who wanted to read some stories to a patient who was basically unresponsive...except when a nurse showed him pictures of big fish he'd caught. So I passed on the stories. And maybe when I get the book back, I can actually read it without getting sick to my stomach and throwing it back on the shelf.

Dad, life is going on, but not without you. I am still pissed at you, don't get me wrong. But only because there is so much I'd like to be able to discuss with you. So many things we still have to do together. Like skydiving. And fishing up at Chazy. Going to the funeral of your best friend's daughter - I know you would never have chosen to miss it. And hiking up the correct side - the steep but MUCH SHORTER trail to the top of Locke's Hill. Mom showed it to us, and it wasn't so bad. We came down the back side, the longer trail you tried to ascend and I can see why you thought it was miserable!

We are making fajitas tonight and watching stupid TV. Want to join us? Wish you could.

I'll be looking for you in the sky, Dad. My Buddhist teacher (oh stop rolling your eyes!) says the sky is always there and all is well.

All is well, Dad.

Love, Al

What we've been up to

I processed some of my photos tonight and wanted to show you what Scott and I have been doing.

This is Bear Brook State Park, where we went in October. It's so beautiful there.


On the anniversary of our wedding, we went to the apple orchard in Canterbury, and saw these little chickens in the road~
At the orchard...

I saw this tree at Bear Brook and thought it was so stunning and comforting.
This is Sarge, my friend from Concord. We visited his sister's grave.

And you know this guy.
Here are a few great shots by Scott that you may have missed:

The spotted newt, New Hampshire's state amphibian~







Which was your favorite?

~Ally

What Mom and I Did Last Night

Went we kayaking with a group of women for a Sunset Kayak along the Merry Meeting River in Alton. Delightful!

(all photos in this post by Barbara Bald)

After meeting with mom and a real estate agent all afternoon, trying to find a job, have a baby, plan my dismal finances, and basically solve the world peace crisis, I needed a break!
The trip and great food were organized by the River Run Deli in Alton. We stopped for a picnic after paddling upstream for 45 minutes.

Then more kayaking back down river. Beautiful weeds and lily pads, lotus blossoms and birds, frog chirps, girl talk, and setting sun.
After putting up all our gear, we were given wonderful ice cream sandwiches made with ginger cookies and chocolate ice cream - yum! And then we saw this mama Robin nesting with two or more chicklings right at the deli! A great end to the evening.
Thank you to God and to Barb, who invited us, for small miracles and moments of joy.

~Ally

Nice he gave them something to read

An Australian Customs handout shows a man caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants as he got off a flight from the Middle East (AFP/HO/Australian Customs)

for Marie

You will be glad to hear the bird feeders (a.k.a. peanut butter and birdseed pinecones) have disappeared. Scott thinks the squirrels carried them off. They are nowhere to be found. Nor are the birds. So the fine feathered friends are safe* for another day.


*from my little hunters, that is.

That said, there was a dead mouse, entrails hanging out, in front of the stoop today. Hara-kiri? I think not. Well, the circle of life...

~Ally

Bawk!

When I got home today, there was a trail of fuzzy grey feathers along the fence, leading to a big pile of feathers under the, uh, birdfeeder. Oops.

Update

I love this picture. I will call it, "Determination."

So life goes on. I have been temping at a bankruptcy lawyer's office, and that work has been very interesting and nicely distracting. It feels good to discover I still have the work-work-work gene alive and well in me, when needed. The other day I got to visit bankruptcy court (and not as a client, thank god) - that was fun.

Mom is back from Mexico and we had a nice time reconnecting over lunch at Uno's and a walk in the woods, along the beautiful Merrimack River.

I just made an apple pie (with crumb topping), since Mom and her longtime friend Sandy are coming for dinner tomorrow. I'll be lunching with Laurel and Bumbers - it's my last day "off" this week. I am looking forward to regaining some of my own time when this assignment ends. It's easy to get wrapped up in the moments of the day and forget to take stock of what's happening inside. I don't know if other grieving people feel this, but I feel a sense of urgency or importance to feel what I'm feeling and let this new situation sit in my brain.

I have to forge a new life. That may sound dramatic to some of you. But to those of you who have lost a parent, I bet you understand. Everything has been tossed upside down and will never be "normal" again. We will all need to create a new normal.

Judy The Cat has just come round the hall, shaken the bell on her collar, and is thinking of asking for some food. I swear they eat all day long. Ever since we let them outside, they run around all day, up the trees, tripping their way down, along the fence, under the fence, through backyards, back through the hole in the fence, to the patio door, up the tree...you get the idea. I put out three pinecone bird feeders today (pinecones spread with peanut butter and then rolled in birdseed). I imagine they will attract birds tomorrow morning and that ought to drive the little kitties wild. They'll be hungry tomorrow night. Unless of course, they're full. Ahem.

Hope you are surviving your life. Hope you are getting a taste of beautiful Autumn - we are surrounded here and loving every minute of it. Very comforting, especially this year.

~Allison

This is a picture of Dad on the last day I saw him, August 9th; we were at the NH League of Craftsman's Fair. It was such a good day.