Thursday, February 28, 2013

Tis Late

Tis Late 
Of course the tall stringy woman
draped in a crocheted string-shawl 
selling single red carnations
coned in newsprint the ones
she got at the cemetery
and resells with a god bless you
for a dollar that same woman 
who thirty years ago
was a graduate student
in playwriting who can and will
recite "At the round earth's
imagined corners, blow--"
announces silently amidst her louder
announcements that the experiment
some amateurs mixed of
white fizzing democracy
with smoky purple capitalism
has failed. We already knew that.
Her madness is my madness
and this is my flower in a cone
of waste paper I stole from
someone's more authentic grief
but I will not bless you
as I have no spirit of commerce
and no returning customers
and do not as so many must
actually beg for my bread. It is another
accident of the lab explosion
that while most died and others lost legs
some of us are only vaguely queasy
at least for now 
and of course mad conveniently mad
necessarily mad because 
"tis late to ask for pardon" and
we were so carefully schooled 
in false hope schooled
like the parrot who crooks her tongue
like a dirty finger
repeating what her flat bright eyes deny.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

GL #2

1. Snow
2. The Moby is in it and this seems to be the only way to get anything done today. Though back pain will surely result.
3. Food.
4. Emeli Sande - just discovered her music and i really like her.
5. The steady stream of movies, chocolate, and money that keeps showing up. Thank you to everyone who is sending this stuff. You know who you are.
6. A husband who seems to be on the long haul with me. These short roads, the day to day, are sometimes brutal. But we keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow we keep managing.
7. Pampers...that is re: Marie's previous comment.
8. Formula, since my little wumpkin is eating like it's going out of style, and i can't keep up with him! Am using formula to supplement. He could not care less.
9. The baby whisperer, Dr. Harvey Karp, bc though i have been cursing him while my baby is screaming his wee head off, i am still using his techniques...and sometimes they work! (They worked like a charm on Lucinda.)
10. A union contract that allows me to stay home with this baby and not worry about being unemployed later. Thank you, NHESO.

~ Ally

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Plan of Attack re: PPD

Am experiencing a good, hearty dose of post-partum depression. We are almost at week five since Jack's birth. I have had lots of help at home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. Lots of company, which I set up ahead of time. But still, I feel major moments of despair and hopelessness. I often feel mildly apathetic, frustrated, cranky, and very impatient, like I just can't deal...followed promptly by severe guilt. Lots of weeping. I don't know if it is because of the hormones, the difficulty of adjusting from one kid to two, the lack of structure in my new life, or lack of sleep, or general weakness on my part. But then again, the reason doesn't matter so much, does it? So this is going to be my first plan of attack. Having a plan is already helping me feel a little better. In no particular order...

1) Reach out and ask for help. (done)
2) Get some better drugs.
3) Talk to doctor (my check up appt is this week).
4) Walk with Jack in stroller. [Is it okay to bundle him up and take him out even though it is very cold and sometimes snowing? I do have a carseat cover thing that zips up.]
5) Make a daily Gratefulness List (GL).
6) Go out in the mornings while Lucy is at daycare and do some visiting.
7) Spend more time with Jenn, who is always a big supporter.
8) Try to avoid crutching on my vice. (argh)
9) Drink some. (I do not have any problem with drinking, so maybe one here and there will help me chill out.)
10) Shop with Jack (I have some gift cards to burn)...a little retail therapy. This could also include getting my hair cut, which always makes me feel better.
11) Sleep more. (oy)
12) Call Gerry, the post-partum counselor from the Family Place (and a previous friend). (and it's free)

Gratefulness List for today:
1) I have a healthy, beautiful baby boy and a healthy, sweet toddler who is coping with these changes quite well, all things considered.
2) The blessing snow that has been falling yesterday and today to comfort me (thank you God, got the message).
3) Scott, ever helpful.
4) The wonderful women who have been staying with us to help us through: Mom, Rebecca, and soon to arrive, Fran.
5) Random money that seems to keep showing up when we need it (again, thank you).

Wish me luck.

Sweet Baby Jack

Announcing little Jack Lawrence Snyder, born January 22 to proud parents Scott and Ally, and excited big sister (age 18 months), Lucinda Grace. We love you, baby.