Friday, May 20, 2016

Itchy scratchy

You know how some days you just wake up uncomfortable in your own life, in your own skin? Today is one of those days. Luckily, it's a "Mom by Herself" night (S has the kids) and I am hoping to have some quiet time to write and reflect after work this evening.

When I take stock, some of things that were plaguing me a month ago have simmered down - the kids and dealing with Jack's rage fits and everyone's crying outbursts (some of that seems to have dissipated with the arrival of the sunshine and bare-feet weather, thank Jesus), my crap love life, my job insecurity (it is still insecure, but not quite as much so...and for the record, my love life is still utter crap but I don't care as much at the moment), my ongoing financial disaster (met with a financial planner who is sorting out my entire life, haha, or making a stab at it anyway). But the sheer presence of massive uncertainty/unsettledness continues to rifle through my psyche in waves - whenever the hell it feels like it - causing anxiety and unease. So, a few steps forward, a few steps back. Same same.

Had a few really precious encounters with old and dear friends - that truly healed a thousand ills - with a weekend trip to see Rebecca and family (each one of them blesses me in their own way), Valerie (whom I haven't seen in 20 years!), Davy who came to visit me for a weekend and spent time getting to know my kids. Had some visits with Rachel, and those always fill the tank, a few interactions with new friends. I have worked hard this year on reviving and focusing on my friendships. I need them so much to round out my life, to give perspective, and to fill the love tank. I appreciate my friendships on a deep and molecular level. They give life to me, and that's no joke.

But the air feels a bit suffocating and the twinging angst inside me is bee-bopping around just enough to make me want to run and hide. Need a beach day. Need sex. Need a vacation. Need my family. Wish I could spend the weekend in Indiana with all the extended relatives, and my sister and cousins. With mom and dad and the past and the future.

I cannot see one inch into the future today! Cannot imagine at all how my life will unfold from here. What the fuck am I supposed to do from here? Starting your life over at age 42 is no picnic. It can leave you with a bunch of cold chill moments in which you think, I am halfway through and totally unequipped for life's challenges! And alone! What the fuck???!

And then you breathe. And get your ass to work. Stop thinking so much. Get busy. Say a quick prayer of thanks for your children and the roof over your head, food in your fridge, limbs and eyes and ears that work, the paycheck coming direct into the bank today. You do some yoga on your 15-minute break. And you just fucking keep going....

...hoping tomorrow will be a wake-up-to-calm-heart sort of day.



Charlotte said...

Good to get some of this out of your system and into words on the page -- always makes room for some fresh air. And your last paragraph is the most important one. Just remember it -- for every wake-up-to-crazed-psyche day, there will always be a wake-up-to-calm-heart day coming.

AlwaysSomeonesMom said...

Glad your back at it. Can't wait to see you at some point this weekend. Remember I'm here if you ever wanna vent or just talk. :) Love you always - Hill