Sunday, August 9, 2009

On a dusty road to Mexico

We're getting ready for Mom to go to Mexico on Thursday, to visit with Lauren and Co. for a month. I don't want her to go, though I know Lauren needs her and the time will be good for them. I guess what I mean is, I don't want to be away from Mom for that long. I need her so much right now and feel more attached to her than ever. Thursday will be the anniversary of Dad's death - I guess an appropriate day for Mom to see both daughters in one day. The loss of Dad snuck up on me like a ton of bricks yesterday as I was driving to a friend's baby shower in Mass. Thinking about the lack of Dad when/if I get pregnant and how much I wish he were still here, how much we all still had to talk about and do together. And no, this is not a case of, "If only I had said" or opportunities lost. This is a case of "It sucks that I have to live the rest of my life without my father." And I miss him terribly.

Wonder when the grief will let go of its death grip (pun intended). It still affects everything. My son-in-law is struggling right now and I want to say to him,"It's the fucking grief!" He lost his brother a few months ago. The grief takes hold forever, it seems, but eventually, things do get a little easier, a little more normal.

This is going to be a hard week. Scott and I seem to be living like ships passing in the night - emotionally anyway. Sometimes we looked at each other this past week with the look of, "Who the heck are you and what are you doing in my living room?" Marriage, another long and dusty road. If one partner doesn't feel well, no one does. I wish things didn't feel like work so much for us right now. Nothing coming easily.

That's not true. I did make a spontaneous friend and pint-sized friend at the baby shower - a delightful Chinese woman and her daughter (who latched onto me like I was Aunty Ally). I feel in love with the both of them. They are heading back to China to live soon though and I probably will never see them again. Still, I am grateful for that beautiful feeling when you meet someone and like them instantly, knowing you could be friends. Rare and wonderful.

How are you, reader? What's new?

p.s. Lauren, I wish Scott and I could come to Mexico too! That would be the best of all scenarios! Have enough fun for all of us. xoxo


Kelly Johnson said...

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way this week xoxo

Biggie said...

What a moving post! I just found your blog and look forward to reading all of the back entries.