A moment in white privilege; reflections on race in America

January 10, 2021

I received an interesting object lesson in white privilege today. I had just gotten the kids McDonald’s breakfast and was driving them on the highway to Dad’s for our weekend switch. A police officer was behind me for a few miles and then I saw the blue lights turn on. “Oh crap,” I thought, but pulled over knowing what I had probably done wrong – I was weaving a bit in my lane as I got the kids and I situated with their breakfasts and while eating my sandwich. I believe this is the first time my kids have been in the car with me when I have been pulled over.

I said, “Let me do the talking,” and immediately reached for my registration and license. As I began to roll down the window and put on my covid mask, I saw that the officer approaching the car was a white woman. She greeted me, was very polite and kind, and said in a friendly tone, “You had been crossing the white line for most of your drive, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Not, “Get out of the car, ma’am,” or, “Have you been drinking?” I said, “I am fine (remember, I have a blue mask covering most of my face); I was just messing around with breakfast stuff. I had my eyes on the road, and I am sorry.” Immediately she began to make excuses for my behavior, saying, “Oh, I get it” and, “Some people actually drive on the white line because they are afraid of the middle yellow line,” etc. Suddenly she said, “Oh my! You are handsome!” to my blonde-haired son in the back seat. I have never received a compliment from a police officer before, and certainly not in the middle of a citation.

I figured she would ask me to step out of the car. Or take a breathalyzer. She did not. I imagined that would be humiliating and what if someone we know saw me walking the proverbial drunk line on the side of the road. None of these things happened. She empathized with me, seemed to totally understand my condition (i.e., motherhood), and only asked for my license. Not whether the car was mine. Didn’t even check my registration. When she returned with my license, she said, “Hi sweetie” to my blonde-haired daughter, also in the back seat. “OK Allison, you are free to go.” “You guys have a great day!”

I said one last, “I’m sorry!” and went on my way.

At which point, I said to the kids, “OK here is a little race relations moment.” I explained to them how when I was pulled over, I assumed that either I had done something wrong (I knew I wasn’t speeding but I was aware of having weaved the car) or that she was going to help me in some way. I told them how white people generally see a police officer and assume the person is there to keep them safe or provide help. I explained how black and brown people, not always but often, have a very different experience in this country, seeing a police officer as a threat to their safety or as a precursor to being blamed for something they didn’t do. I told them that if an officer pulled over Christina, my partner’s very dark-skinned black daughter and her brown husband, that they would probably both feel immediately nervous and on edge. Their hands would go to the wheel or in plain sight, and they might have to justify what they were doing. [I didn’t say, the officer would probably assume she was drunk or high, or maybe had stolen the car, or was up to no good or running from something. And that Christina no doubt would have been given a breathalyzer. And if my blonde children were in the backseat with her, well….all downhill from there.]

We talked about what it is to be white in America, to be born into white privilege. “You don’t have to feel bad about it; you just need to realize you are lucky and not everyone has this same experience.” My 7-yr old son said, “I don’t want to be lucky. I want to be like everybody else.” To which I explained, it’s not that we want to receive worse treatment, or not be treated with kindness, compassion, and respect. The goal is to elevate the conditions of the black and brown person, so that they can receive the same treatment we get. ALL persons should be treated with dignity and respect, and all persons should be assumed innocent until proven guilty of something. 

There is no reason a black mother, wobbling the car a bit (while remaining safely away from the yellow line) should be disciplined for helping her kids with breakfast, simply because she is black. It was nice to be given a break and to have another woman realize: this is our life as mothers. We can keep eyes on the road and drive without harming anyone while still getting straw wrappers off, opening juice boxes, unwrapping McDonald’s sandwiches, and making sure everyone has a napkin. [And if you are judging me right now, you clearly don’t have kids and have no idea what you are talking about.]

I talked with the kids about how black and brown people in America are often assumed to be doing something naughty, or running from something, or just generally, looking for trouble. When in most cases, they are just living daily life like we are. Then we talked about how several of our relatives are black or brown. Apparently, my 9 yr old daughter didn’t realize a large portion of my sister’s family is Hispanic and has brown skin. She never noticed. I take this as a hopeful sign for the future generations. We have two African-American women in the family as well. Their experiences, I would bet, are not the same as mine and their visceral responses to being pulled over by the police are not the same as mine (which was quite relaxed, if a little embarrassed).

My children, brilliant as they are, said, “Well what if the officer is brown?” I just happened to be reading about that. There were studies done that indicate that the driver, if black or brown, may feel more comfortable seeing a black or brown officer approaching the car, with a moment of, “Oh thank god it’s someone like me.” But statistically, the black or brown officer still believes that the black or brown driver is guilty of something. Even within the same race, there are prejudices that are so buried, so layered in that we don’t even realize race issues are at play in the simplest of interactions.

As we got out of the car at Dad’s, I said to my children, “The goal is that we are working toward treating ALL people the same, with respect and kindness first.” And my children are ready to carry this fight forward. It is a fight of self-awareness, then recognizing the incredible depths of our personal and collective racial biases; then working to change ourselves; then working to influence change in others.

#blacklivesmatter

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...

Thursday, March 12, 2020

Outside my window...
is a grey cement block with a cell tower on it. Super boring. But just enough light through my window to grow five beautiful plants. Grateful.

I am thinking...

about the nature of human flexibility. It is a difficult character trait for me to be very good at. But it continues to be necessary more than most other qualities, necessary in succeeding at life.

I am thankful...

for a real family, odd as it is configured, after all. There is me and the kids, my ex, my current partner, and my mom. Throw in some friends and neighborhood buddies, some mom/dad friends (meaning, because of the kids). and some long-losts. It feels like home anyway.

I am wearing...

the same jeans for four days in a row. A sure sign of depression/boredom/the blahs.

I am creating...

children who routinely ask the big questions, wonder about the world and how they can affect it, care about others (even strangers), and seek to know spiritual truths. I am creating children who know who they are and value themselves, all while they learn about each other. They have a lot of theories about a lot of things. Never short on confidence, imagination, or questions. This makes my heart glad.

I am going...to go with the flow with this crazy coronavirus. Everything is a question mark - everything at work, on my calendar, in the future. There's nothing I can do but flow.

I am wondering...

if I will ever get a vacation this year. Like a real vacation. Every one seems to slip just out of reach. I truly need to get away with some me time, some adult time, or I'm gonna go nuts. Part of the depression slog is just a pure lack of vacation. I honestly can't remember the last vacation. For me - probably California last January (ugh), and for the family, Indiana in June. Not sure I have been anywhere since then. Grape Island...which is fun but a whole lot of work. I am talking about relaxation.

I am reading...

 

I am Having So Much Fun Here Without You: A Novel, by Courtney Maum.

I am also addicted to the podcast "Strangers."

I am hoping...

for a vacation. Everything else I thought I had in place just came spontaneously crashing down, so why not shoot for the stars?

I am learning...

to wait. And then wait. And wait some more. Patience....this is taking me a whole life to learn.

In my garden...

I bet the tiny daffodils are sprouting. They certainly are at home! It has been so unseasonably warm. All the little flowers - tulips, daffodils, crocuses, snow drops (!!), day lilies are poking up through the soil and showing their stems. I hope they don't get frozen and crushed with another winter snow - likely - but maybe they won't! If we had a long spring this year, that would make a HUGE difference to my mood. Some time in the garden/dirt would do me a world of good.

In my kitchen...

there are multiple undone or unfinished art projects. My kids seem to have gone off art somewhat. Which is so sad for me as I loved doing art projects with them! Now if I can get them to color for 20 minutes it's a miracle.

A favorite quote for today...

"A balloon only floats when it's filled with helium. So fill up those dreams so they can get off the ground!"

A peek into one of my days...

One of my favorite things...
is the sensory swing. Kinda feel like taking a nap in it right now.

Post Script 

Water what you want to grow.

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Turning to Gratefulness to Cheer Myself Up

Recently I suffered a bit of a setback in the heart department. Coming to terms square in the face with some disappointing relationships and unmet needs. I am trying to remember to praise for all the wonderful things in my life - and there are many - and not focus on the holes...but the body and spirit feel differently than the logical mind...at least in my case. So I am again utilizing this exercise from christiezimmer.com.

Six things, people, and places you adore:

1. Being kissed and hugged by my boy. Yesterday I saw him in the morning as I dropped off Lucy at her Dad's house. Jack screamed, "Mommy!!!!!!" and gave me the sweetest loves. That boy fills up my heart.
2. I have PLANS TO adore my new office that Bob, Nate, and Rob have created and prepared for me. The walls are a golden yellow/tan color and two walls are "Rachel Pink" (which is truly Rachel and Me pink, from all our trips). There is crisp white ceiling and molding, a pretty sun-filled window, a space for my sewing table - what there was of it - and now, the cube bookcase I have always wanted, with rose back wall and white shelves, in perfect squares. I can't wait to unpack and create a space warm and full of love and Me Space.
3. My garden. The garden road is open again, drive-able. I need to dig out my perennials and take them to my new house. But it's hard to truly imagine giving up that sacred space. Not sure I will.
4. Liz and Tara, two of my coworkers who like to come talk early in the morning. We share stories, feelings, encouragement, and by the end of the workday, laughs, and my classic photos of monkeys doing silly things to cheer us. I am very grateful for them.
5. Doing Girl Scouts with my girl, Lucinda. Tonight we will probably deliver more GS cookies around the neighborhood. Tomorrow we will go to a field trip at the Christa McAuliffe Planetarium and Saturday she has cookie booth at Dunks, allowing me some 1:1 with Jack for an hour. I love her heart for others.
6. I adore my old single life. I have an urge to road trip, to drive to Canada on a whim, to listen to music loudly in the car, to write long journal entries, to have coffee and pie and a cigarette in a Midwestern diner (don't judge me, it's blissful). I miss that girl.

One thing you've worked hard to achieve: 

I have worked hard to achieve a respected reputation at work, to be dependable, reliable, a good writer and editor, a good responder to questions, a problem solver, a contributor (though this also drives people crazy sometimes), to be a good communicator, organized, an excellent planner who pulls off conferences and events making it look seamless and smooth (no matter what's going on in the background), someone who remains professional while others are acting out bad behavior, and someone who chips in and helps, who values teamwork and kindness over back-stabbing and gossip. I am not perfect and some of these areas are more of a struggle for me than others. But I will continue to give respect and hold high standards, in the hopes of getting the same in return. All I can control is me. Today I will work on doing better with my words and keeping them positive and kind.

One thing that's going well right now:

I am doing pretty well at managing out my tax return money. I have a long list of things I want to use it for - some have already been purchased and some are on hold in savings. I am trying to think about priorities when I spend my money. My weakness is always in the dribs and drabs - a coffee here, lunch out bc I didn't take steps to make a lunch, planning $30 for an outing with the kids and accidentally spending an additional $30 on random food nonsense they want or stupid toys.....but I am being conscious about this right now. Noticing my weak spots and working on changing them. I also notice that the deeper I fall into this faith/money project, the more generous I feel with my money - willing to give some up here and there for others bc I am seeing that God is in fact taking care of my basic needs. I am going to keep practicing.
 
Two subjects or pursuits you're passionate about:

I am passionate this year, as I said, in thinking about priorities. How do we spend our time? Our money. Do the things I do each day represent what I say are my priorities and goals? And in lieu of that, where do I need to make adjustments? Some priorities: my kids and their health and social lives/friendships and their sense of safety. I have spent a lot of time and money lately tending to their health - mental and physical - and getting them the swings and weighted blankets (thank you Jesus) for their sense of safety. I have developed a long and sometimes exhausting bedtime routine that they seem to cling to and need, to support their feelings of being at home in my house and feeling safe and loved. I am trying to listen more - to ask them what they think or how they feel and then just hush and listen in case they want to speak and it takes a minute. I am having a lot of friends over to help them develop these important relationships; and in doing so, I am building my mom/dad tribe that I can lean on when I need support. Another priority: time with my sister. I didn't have enough money to take us to go see her. But I am trying to be more available on the phone via text and checking in. I am hoping to receive a visit from her and sent her some money to help out. I am trying to share some thoughts w her that I have kept to myself for a long time, like about my faith and relationships and inner feelings. I know she cherishes that information. Another priority that I need to spend more time and energy on: my relationship with Hoka, and my relationship with Mom. I am working on carving out some space to tend to them in their love languages [H: acts of service, M: quality time]. It's not easy to find the energy for everything but it's important. Also my health - need to quit smoking, need more massage and not to cancel those appts, and need more alone time. Again, how?? Also travel and time with Rachel. Also writing. Oh there are so many. I could go on and on.

I am passionate about my own personal learning and growth over the past year and for the year to come. I am spending time learning new things, sharing them out with others, and facilitating the peer-to-peer learning that is so invaluable (and relatively easy to accomplish). I am putting some time into the adjacent union trainings that supplement my paid work. I am also trying to take advantage of ways to learn how to BE a better trainer - this is something I really want to work on and build my skills. Open to opportunities.

Two people you can count on for warm hugs and kind words:

1. Lucy
2. Caitlyn C.

Three things to look forward to:

1. Listening to part II of Lea Taub's search-for-love story on my new favorite podcast, "Strangers." She is amazing and I love the podcast. I have had the desire to write to every single person she's had on so far. And I may.

2. I am looking fwd to a night in a nice hotel next Thursday and dinner with the friends I only see a few times a year, my conference helpers. It's always a fun time.

3. I am looking forward to escaping this emotional swamp. I don't know if the moon is in a trine or whatever the fuck....but it needs to stop and get on with it. Maybe a little dirty-knees time in my old garden will help. God, I am looking forward to gardening again. I have missed and needed it like you don't even know.

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Oh my....Chiapas is HUGE!

from wikipedia
"Chiapas (Spanish pronunciation: [ˈtʃjapas] (listen)), officially the Free and Sovereign State of Chiapas (Spanish: Estado Libre y Soberano de Chiapas), is one of the 32 states that make up the 32 federal entities of Mexico. It is divided into 124 municipalities as of September 2017^[9][10] and its capital city is Tuxtla Gutiérrez. Other important population centers in Chiapas include Ocosingo, Tapachula, San Cristóbal de las Casas, Comitán and Arriaga. It is the southernmost state in Mexico. It is located in Southeastern Mexico, and it borders the states of Oaxaca to the west, Veracruz to the northwest and Tabasco to the north,^[11] and by the Petén, Quiché, Huehuetenango and San Marcos departments of Guatemala to the east and southeast. Chiapas has a coastline along the Pacific Ocean to the south.

In general, Chiapas has a humid, tropical climate. In the north, in the area bordering Tabasco, near Teapa, rainfall can average more than 3,000 mm (120 in) per year. In the past, natural vegetation in this region was lowland, tall perennial rainforest, but this vegetation has been almost completely cleared to allow agriculture and ranching. Rainfall decreases moving towards the Pacific Ocean, but it is still abundant enough to allow the farming of bananas and many other tropical crops near Tapachula. On the several parallel "sierras" or mountain ranges running along the center of Chiapas, climate can be quite temperate and foggy, allowing the development of cloud forests like those of the Reserva de la Biosfera el Triunfo, home to a handful of resplendent quetzals and horned guans.

Chiapas is home to the ancient Mayan ruins of Palenque, Yaxchilán, Bonampak, Chinkultic and Toniná.^[12] It is also home to one of the largest indigenous populations in the country with twelve federally recognized ethnicities."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiapas

Ten Minutes

There were several signs today that I was going to step in it one way or the other. Not that the day is over...

My horoscope started like this:
"You're learning, but you're just not quite there yet. The Fool signifies inexperience and, of course, a certain amount of foolishness when it comes to love...there is still plenty for you to learn...keep your eyes open for roadblocks along the way and try not to stumble over them." Riiiiight.

My mind was all over the place today, darting from one subject to the next, wandering, fixating, drifting....

I managed to get a good deal of work done despite it all. And bought a couch. And made some appts and managed some paperwork. But really, with the sheer amount of energy I had, a little focus would have been helpful.

I now have 7 minutes left to decompress the day before switching gears to Mommy Mode. Am about to go pick up Lucy for 1:1 time, Tuesdays w Lucy - one of my favorite days of the week. But I am anxious and nervous, as I often am before picking up the kids, and also too hyped up on caffeine.

I have been wanting to write all day but can't get the words out. I did a lot of business writing today, as well as editing, so that exercised the muscle. But there are things that need to be said. They will have to wait.

Another roller coaster today: my emotions. Honestly, maybe it's ALL due to too much caffeine!

I am on the verge with so many projects. The precipice. About ready to leap.

And in other personal projects, I have started, and now am in an uncomfortable place. Like the church project - I finally joined a group and now I find myself weekly in a very uncomfortable, ill-used space of thinking about and moreso, talking about, my faith. I told my friend about this yesterday and he said, "Well good for you for stretching yourself." It was then I realized, yes, that is what I am doing. Not entirely sure why but the time seemed right. I have been exploding with learning all year, and soaking it all up like a sponge. But this church thing...there are so many personal hurdles to overcome. I don't like that there isn't really anyone I can talk to about it.

Next day (2/19)
...Nobody else in my circle except for one friend shares my faith per se, and can discuss it openly. Most people I am close to reject religion or do not know how to talk about it. Speaking of unused muscles, I am now using one of mine.

I did make several goals w Rachel this year (side-by-side, but independent for the most part). I have managed to make progress on a few already! Only February! I make goals instead of resolutions. No point in making promises I can't keep...but having a direction to walk...that i find helpful. And I can use the goals as a navigational beacon throughout the year. I go back to them a lot.

Did revive my peer training project in the union at work, so that is positive. Also continue on the monthly newsletters. Have been serving friends in a variety of ways - and have been compelled to do so, even beyond what feels reasonable. I have been following my heart. And all works out.

I am doing a faith project re: finances and have completely redone my budget accordingly. This Sunday, I decided to sponsor a second child from Compassion International. Both boys are in Chiapas, Mexico, but that is a state and I don't have a handle on how big of a territory it is. Suppose I better do some research. I want to be more supportive emotionally and with letters to Cristian, and now we will also get to know Allejandro. He is a little older, maybe 11-12, and I hope he feels supported by us as the months go by. They said at church that the families receive a lot in terms of food, healthcare, education, resources when one child is sponsored. Often the siblings will rejoice when one gets chosen. That makes me happy.

I continue my intense project (with work friends) on racial bias, and so am v conscious right now of White Saviorism, and very much not interested in that effect. But this organization asked for help and the children are in extreme poverty and in dire need of assistance. The children ask for sponsorship, so I am going to proceed with love and humility. Thank you, God, for this opportunity to reach out to one the way I wish we could reach out to many.

Off to a meeting. More focused today. Rather productive. Also bored and a little iffy emotionally. But mostly fine.

Ally

Gratitude Exercise

I have been thinking a lot about gratitude lately - not just in November. Trying to cultivate it as a mindset, practice it as a verb, and feel it on a more regular basis. Gratitude leads to joy, so they say.

I am borrowing this exercise from christiezimmer.com.

Six things, people, and places you adore:

1. The warm and sunny succulents greenhouse at the Berkshire Botanical Gardens in Mass.
2. The living room of my Aunt Anne's house.
3. Having holidays with family and attached friends.
4. Watching my boy swing in his new sensory swing from sensoryscout.com, which I hope will bring him more calm and the ability to self-regulate through his big emotions.
5. Sitting in my hammock swing at the garden in summertime, when I have nowhere to be (no rush) and I can swing until I close my eyes and nap the most peaceful naps under the sun.
6. My nieces and nephew in Nebraska, whom I miss with all my heart. I love playing board games with them and hysterically laughing.

One thing you've worked hard to achieve:

I am working so, so hard to learn the hand-in-hand parenting techniques and to achieve a way of stay-listening with my boy and my girl; I am working so hard to change my lens from seeing "bad behavior" to seeing "a reach-out for connection." This is going to be a really long road.

One thing that's going well right now:

I have a beautiful, safe place to live that is feeling more and more like home. I look forward to decorating for Christmas, and maybe in the process, unpacking/removing a few more boxes.

Two subjects or pursuits you're passionate about:

I am grateful that I have the opportunity through my work to be doing a deep-dive study on racial bias and discrimination, particularly in re: privileged white people (which is all white people in America). I am very passionate about learning to recognize institutionalized, ingrained racism in several aspects of society, as well as getting real about personal racism in me; and I am passionate to learn how to be a better human. I am also grateful to my partner who has taught me so much about the (shit) plight of Native Americans in this country since the whites arrived. The slights are everywhere.

The other thing I am really passionate about is helping people learn through and live through their grief - whether it be death of a family member or friend, or someone in their community, whose death rocked them to the core (such as the death of a schoolmate you might not have known well, but you can't stop thinking about it). I have made friends with grief, and have studied (and continue to study) the many manifestations and expressions of grief. I do believe that a loving community can support a person through grief in a productive and accepting way. I would like to be part of that community. [You can connect with my grief support group on FB at "Life After Dad Support Group" if you need a friendly place to land.]

Two people you can count on for warm hugs and kind words:

1. My mom
2. Irv, my best friend

Three things to look forward to:

1. Taking Jenn's girls and my two little ones to the holiday lights drive-through festival. I hope this works out tomorrow!
2. The holiday Cookie Craze this Sunday - fire trucks, Santa, and tables stuffed with homemade cookies....what could be better??
[It is bothering me that I can't see five feet in front of me "down the road" of my life. It has been like this for some time but it is starting to really bother me. Right now I cannot "see" past January 2nd!]
3. Starting my grad degree, which will hopefully be step 1 in the many steps toward my business plan coming to fruition.


I think I need to put some things on the calendar after January 2. This is the time of year I am usually prepping mentally for my mid-January union conference. This year I am not going, as I wanted to give the space to other folks. So now there's a gaping black hole called "silent winter" that I need to do something about. Hmm....

Thank you Christie.

~Ally

SWDB: November 15, 2019

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...

Friday, November 15, 2019

Outside my window...
It is suddenly almost 60 degrees again, after a week or more of 20 degree winterization. I am finding as I age that I just cannot tolerate the cold anymore. Which stinks. So this is the progression that turns good New Englanders into snowbirds.....I am starting to get it.

I am thinking...

about Christmas, a holiday and time I love so much, in which my boyfriend does not partake. We will be having all the (previous) in-laws from Scott's side of the family for the holidays at our house. Which Bob refuses to help decorate. I can totally respect his views, but wondering if he can respect and/or tolerate mine. First time we are really put to the test. Fingers crossed...

I am thankful...

to have Nate and Becca home. To have my Christmas letter done and sent out. To know I can reach most of my friends and family through email and Facebook. Thank you, Lauren, for finally getting on the wagon. See how nice it is to stay in touch?

I am wearing...

a black and white sweater, jeans - need new ones - and weird socks bc mine are all still packed and I have no idea where they are. Moving is a really weird state of being.

I am creating...

a new bedtime routine with my girl which includes listening together to a meditation exercise. She really seems to enjoy this and when I tried to skip it last night, she protested quite a bit. She is clinging to connection and closeness right now. I suppose I'd better relish the opportunity while it is before me.

I am going...
to attempt to do some relaxing on Sunday by myself. And to take the kids with friends to a craft fair tomorrow because who doesn't love a craft fair?

I am wondering...

if I will ever not be exhausted. It seems like I have been almost 100% in this state for the last nine years. Is there coming a day when I will feel healthy, happy, and energized? I cannot even imagine.

I am reading...

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo, which is VERY good and a real heart-bender. Am also finishing up The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine Aron, PhD, and Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore. All phenomenal and highly recommended. I can guarantee you need to read all of these, even if you don't have children, even if you think you're not affected by racism (you are), and even if you don't think you are sensitive (because someone in your life is and would really appreciate you reading this book).

I would like to be reading Edith Wharton's A Backward Glance: An Autobiography and a relaxing novel, bathtub-side. But let's not dream so big we can't accomplish it, right?

I am hoping...

to have some quiet alone time during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, as the kids will be gone to New York. Am also hoping to enjoy a wonderful holiday season of splinkles and sprinkles and fun. And to get a vacation one of these days - possibly alone. And to see my sister.

I am learning...

to ride the emotional waves. They keep coming. There may NOT be a time "when things slow down," as so many of us keep chanting but being disappointed about. The kids will have their chapters of insecurity and then they will live through them. I can now say I weathered a time when my kid hated me. That is cool to have survived. I can say I helped our family through another transition. I can say my Mom is settled in a safe place. I can say that Yes, I DID move three houses into one over the summer and survived! Each moment makes us stronger and wiser. But those lessons don't always last. No worries...another lesson is right around the corner. What goes up must come down. And thankfully, what goes down, will go back up. [Thank you, Mom, for this invaluable lesson.]

In my garden...

Ohh. It too is in transition. Need to make several trips there to clean it up and bring things to the new house. But it's just so darn cooooollllld.

In my kitchen...

is very little rotten fridge food, very much in the stocked pantry, and only ONE rotten frozen banana, Kristen. :) I feel like I am finally growing up. [It's really due to having a legit cook in the house, my partner.]

A favorite quote for today...

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” ― Steve Jobs

 

A peek into one of my days...

One of my favorite things...
is writing.

Post Script 

Live every day as if you are lucky enough to stand next to the world's largest candy bar!

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Affordable Self-Care

"Affordable Self-Care Plan"

I was listening to a podcast yesterday (episode 112) on one of my favorite channels called Your Anxiety Toolkit, with Kimberly Quinlan.

The guest speaker was talking about demystifying self-care for the not-so-wealthy of us, and realizing how easy it is and basic to care for ourselves in a more intentional and kind way.

So here is my no-cost Self-Care list of choices:

- Go to bed earlier.
(This was the number one item discussed.) For as easy and obvious as this is for some of you [morning people], it is equally challenging and mystifying for the rest of us [night people]. At night is when I am most myself, most alive, brimming with ideas and solutions, and not wanting my last remaining scraps of adulting time to end and merge - like slime - into another difficult morning. So I resist going to bed at all costs. Meanwhile, I totally love sleep and totally agree it is often the very most important thing to changing the direction of my thoughts and getting my emotions out of the swamp. I just literally cannot cope lately, as exhaustion (physical, mental, emotional) has hit a major peak. I think I need more sleep.

- Play the piano. I cannot seem to get ONE MINUTE alone in my house lately. But at least I can sink into the music and ignore everyone if I am playing.

- [I feel like I am supposed to say: Take a walk outdoors. And though this is always enjoyable it also feels incredibly boring to me and I want to come up with something way more appealing.]......

- Spend 2 minutes looking at the sky. Stay in one place and either lay on the ground looking up or stand and slowly make a circle with my head tipped back so I can see the entire dome of the sky. Notice what is there and what is not. Done.

- Notice when you stand up; notice when you sit down.
This is an exercise I got from a training my friend did on mindfulness. I have yet to be able to accomplish it. But it could be a goal. I would probably add, "and take one breath."

- Sit or lie quietly with someone I love. Maybe my children.

- Walk the perimeter of my property. Alone! [am sensing a theme...]

- Visit with the chickens in the barn. Get them used to their snuggles.

- Stretch in my office with the door closed.
I used to be good about turning off the light, closing the door, and doing this for 5 minutes on break. I haven't in a while. It's time.

- Peruse the greeting card aisle (one of my all-time favorites) and snap a pic of funny ones to send to friends at opportune moments. Always fun.

- Give a hug that lasts beyond when the other person lets go.
I have a couple friends at work I get up and go hug every once in a while. They always seem to appreciate it. Of course this is a "know your audience" situation, as not everybody likes to be hugged, especially without asking. And of course, be especially wary at work. I only hug these folks bc I am friends w them and have known them for years and they like to be hugged. [You can tell bc they hug back hard.]

- Practice "Say three things I am grateful for before turning the key in the ignition."

- Get sunshine on my face, even for 5 mins. 
The same woman at work who practices mindfulness is oft seen out front of the building with her face to the sky and her eyes closed. Vitamin D therapy time. It only takes a minute. Do nothing else at the same time.

- Smile at myself in the mirror.
[Tell your mind to "settle down" when it automatically says something mean.]

- Shut up and listen. You don't always have to respond.
I am practicing this in multiple ways.

- Thank your body for carrying on.

- Pray for two friends who are struggling. This also only takes about a minute.

- Turn off the radio in the car and be quiet for a few.

- Just hug the kids without saying anything.

That oughta get me started....

Ally

Taking a Minute

Morning Gratitude:
1. Very sweet time with my girl Lucy. Had two 1:1 nights with her this week. I almost kiboshed it last night by planning a big outing that would have exhausted everyone. Luckily I had the presence of mind to decide, no, we need down time together. And that turned out to be the right move.

2. A lovely weekend with Bob in NYC. We did so many special things and had time together, as well as social time with family and friends. Especially loved being on the water and the three ferry rides. Very grateful.

3. My body continues to heal itself after small traumas and go above and beyond and for this I am very grateful.

4. Jacks has decided he loves me after all and now wants to spend time with me, which is extremely heartening.

5. Planted some special plants for Father's Day and I look forward to giving them to Scott.

6. Our house plans are coming together - everything falling into place.

7. God once again did not disappoint, as he/she provided the money I needed at the right time, even though I did the "tithe faith challenge." My only request is that he/she not wait quite as long next time. We shall see.

8. A great podcast to quell my ever-rising anxiety levels, called "My Anxiety Toolkit," which I highly recommend.

9. My bf is dreaming of special trips for us, to which our previous conversations did not lead, and for which I am pleasantly surprised and hopeful.

10. I am very grateful for the opportunity to clean/clear out my shit from the house; the process of packing and moving will be good for me.

What I'm learning from my challenges/obstacles:
1. I am learning that when I ask The Mothers for help, they will help. This continues to amaze me and I definitely want to be part of this making-life-possible tribe. The counselor says I need a Plan B (and C) in place - currently I do not have one. So I am hoping the tribe will help.

2. The mountain of moving three houses (including my reluctant, possessions-rich Mommy) into one house this summer, while doing two long conferences at work, and managing daycare vacation days and summertime activities and a million health projects, is extremely daunting. But I am learning to take a breath, schedule it out, make lists, and do one thing at a time. This helps everyone stay focused. My dear friend from work said, "This is what you do for a living," and that was the most excellent reminder of all. I CAN do this. I just need to plan it out. It can be hard for me to slow myself down, like when I am jacked up on coffee (as is my present condition) and when I am itching to clean/pack/move myself but I am last on the list of three....but slowing down and taking a minute is so extremely important to my mental and physical health. It just absolutely HAS to be done.

3. I continue to learn that life travels in chapters. The chapter of pain and despair in re: Jack is shifting. And the chapter of total overwork and mental overload has begun. The chapter of anxiety is new (not a fan), and the chapter of worrying what others think of me is pretty much over. A new chapter with a new family structure (me, the kids, Bob, and Mom) is beginning (this is an exciting one with who knows what possibilities), and the chapter of aloneness in the apartment rebuilding my life out of rubble is over. I thank you, Jesus, for all these changes and for the constant reminder that, "This won't last forever." Meaning, the rough times will not last forever; and I better savor the good moments while they are happening.

People I'm grateful for (who make life a little happier):
1. Caitlin Rollo, and side-related, Mike and Chelsea.
2. Karen Benner - who I am seeing very soon if all goes well. (Lord, please.)
3. My sister. My heart is singing her to me, and I will see her one week from today, for a week. Can this be happening??
4. Bob, who continues to surprise. Crazy and lovable Gemini.
5. My darling Jack, who is heart of my heart, even through the struggle. We struggle so because we are so similar. I often say, "I get you buddy," and I am grateful that at least we have this. Like I had with my dad. I love you with all my heart, Jack, and I want for you a happy, satisfying life, full of adventure, love and openness, and a heart that can break and mend, break and mend. (Lord, make him resilient and soft-hearted.)

The best part of my day:
So far the best part of my day has been arriving at work and hitting the ground running, even though that was not my plan. I finished my main and most pressing to-do list before 9:30! That felt fantastic. Then I accidentally made a secondary to-do list and am overwhelmed again. But that's OK. One step in front of the other.

Grateful for the moment of life in which I live and breathe.
~Ally

p.s. Book and parenting recommendation [this program is changing my life]:

Listen by Patty Wipfler, and the related Hand in Hand Parenting podcast and website. If you have a child who does not "fit" with the other 3,000 parenting methods you read about and tried, you simply must try this one. It is revolutionizing the way I think about children, humans, emotional outbursts, anger, pain, and connection. It is changing the way I relate to my son, and to others around me. And teaching me a lot on my old lifelong learning path called: learning how to really listen. Am extremely grateful for this find.

Morning Gratitude:
1. the church I have been going to, Next Level Church in Pembroke
2. 1:1 time with Lucy, my dearest girl
3. sleep - I can vaguely remember it (and want some more)
4. COFFEE.
5. connecting with old friends on FB
6. kind people at work
7. having my own office at work
8. a productive meeting yesterday to plan one of the summer conferences
9. Candace, who's using the drop-in office next to me; she is a ray of sunshine in a dreary day
10. my boy Jack, and having some time with him tonight

What I'm learning from my challenges/obstacles:
1. Major emotional challenges with Jack - I am learning about self-regulation, Zones of Regulation (which will incidentally help me with my work too), and how to ask for help from the medical, behavioral health, and school systems.
2. My apartment is too small and crowded - I am learning to de-clutter, to purge heavily on a regular basis, and to teach my kids about giving (their things go to other kids or to Good Will when they are done with them).
3. Lots of obstacles at work - I am learning to continue being patient, the importance of timing, and that I can step back and let others step up (even if they don't do it as quickly as I want).

People I'm grateful for (who make life a little happier):
1. Lucinda Grace
2. Scott - who is very good at working with me to make sure our kids are happy and healthy
3. Karen H, Tara C, and Liz S at work
4. Rachel - she makes my life a LOT happier actually
5. Bob - who is very sweet to keep doing crazy science experiments with the kids even when I don't want to

The best part of my day (yesterday):
The best part of my day yesterday was knowing, all day, that I have another 1:1 night with my little girl; realizing how easy it is to be with her; having fun doing groceries with her and cooking for Bob, doing her science project - and how excited she was to "teach Mommy to love science" - and watching the crazy Dollar Store science thing actually work (!); having her eat dinner with no food arguments (!!!!!!!); and having her ask me to read more of her Bible that I got her for Christmas as the bedtime story. I am so proud of this girl in so many ways. I love her to pieces.

Grateful for the moment of life in which I live and breathe.
~Ally

SWDB: February 11, 2019

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...

Monday, February 11, 2019

Outside my window...
The sun is actually shining! It has been such weird weather in NH this winter (global warming). Warm like 60 degrees F then freezing in the 30s then zero then 55....this morning as I was trying to get Jack to put on his hat and gloves [a little passion play of the human struggle we like to enact every morning], he says, "Mom, winter is basically over!" "Um, kid, no it's not. We have at least two more months of winter left! Put your hat and gloves on!" [He did not. And, scene.}

I am thinking...

that the use of more than one exclamation mark is annoying (even though I do it) and the use of more than one question mark in an email is downright obnoxious! It really stresses a person out! It implies, "you dummy" after whatever they just said. Example: "Did you finish putting the dishes away?? [you dummy]." I think we should ban it altogether.

I am thankful...

that my children are growing. It is bittersweet, and as predicted, God is delightfully sweeping away all the memories of the trauma and fucked-up-edness that ensued in their years of being little, and all I am peacefully left with is the beautiful photos and the memories of their precious little bodies draped over a shoulder or snuggling into me on the rocking chair. [Not the screaming tantrums and fucking spoiled milk smell everywhere, the piles of filthy tiny clothes that seem insurmountable, or literally cutting shirts off Jack and throwing them away bc he had pooed so much.] I wish for baby moments again. I'm not gonna lie - the thought of swaddling an infant, soothing her, and then rocking her for an hour while I sing is a little slice of heaven. [I have been enjoying this with Baby Zachary, my bf-adjacent grandbaby.] But my children and I are having more fun together now - and we can do things I really like, such as outings, explorations, travel planning, and playing board games, card games, and car games [Laurel, you can imagine the joy I get with these game-players!!!]. They are finally learning to express their feelings in a verbal way that makes sense. Barely. But still, I can see we are making progress. And they can get themselves in and out of the car, the bed, and the clothes, and mostly the bathroom, without me. Phenomenal. Now I can breathe...for a split second.

I am wearing...

my verrry old but still looks new dark red Eddie Bauer sweater - I swear, their clothes last FOREVER! I wish I could afford to buy them more often! I always feel good in red.

I am creating...

...good grief, but there are a lot of projects underway. I echo Val's sentiment, it's all just possibilities and creativity laying around to inspire me [and NOT a mess of unfinished projects, ahem]. There are writing projects, art projects, sewing projects, the infamous "baby quilt" (a ha ha ha, but by God, if I have to sew it from my deathbed ** it WILL happen), unwritten cards that have been earmarked for this person or this (bygone) occasion. Cleaning projects, sorting projects, charity projects, office projects, gardening projects, and journals to document said unfinished projects. Actually, this is making me sick to my stomach. ;) Next question.

I am going...
to the dentist this afternoon. I love the dentist bc for 40 minutes, I cannot get anything else done...and so I have to sit and relax. It is such a relief to be in that chair, escaping from life for 40 blissful minutes. Well, the teeth cleaning doesn't exactly enhance the experience. But nothing's perfect.

I am wondering...

everything. As always. I read Mary Oliver's poem, "Worrying," and I truly meant to get something out of it, I did. I appreciated it because it is wise and she wrote it [may she rest in peace; and come back as part of my life]. But it's not like I'm going to quit worrying. That is hard-wired into my DNA! I am a worrisome Virgo, raised by a sensitive, creative Cancer and a well-meaning, workaholic Capricorn. One was Methodist, one Catholic. Both later Atheists, when I was longing for God. How the fuck am I supposed to escape worrying with that recipe????? It's a LIFESTYLE! The point is, there's a LOT on my mind. All question marks, no answers, as per usual. The one solid thing in my life is my strange little family: ex-husband, two children, aging mother, and half-time boyfriend. Together, they keep the gears turning. I love them.

I am reading...

Well you are not going to believe this, but I HAVE been grown-up reading! I started an Edith Wharton book I truly meant to enjoy but just don't. And then read wayyy into a book called Yoga School Dropout, which is like Eat, Pray, Love on yogic steroids. I am going to try to finish it, but am about 100 pgs from the end and I'm kinda done already. [Note to writer-self: know when to end.] And I finished (!) a tiny book called Seedfolks which I highly recommend to anyone vaguely interested in either gardening or building community...or if you need the accomplishment feeling of finishing a book. A beautiful book by Paul Fleishman.

I am hoping...

to purge the fuck out of my house. Of course I have no time, money (for supplies bc these projects always end up needing supplies, fucking Marie Kondo...), or partner to help with this. But a girl can dream. Maybe I can rope in Rachel....

I am learning...

to not wait for Coach to put me in....but just to run onto the court. So that's what I'm doing. And it feels great!

In my garden...

[i can't even]

In my kitchen...

are the remains of the two - yes TWO - adult-type meals I cooked for the children. Not that they ate hardly any. But at least they got to see what a real meal looks like! #howmanyfishsticks #howmuchmacncheese #saveme

A favorite quote for today...

"Don't accept that others know better than you." - v wise fortune cookie

A peek into one of my days...

One of my favorite things...
is writing. I need to do this so much more often.

Post Script
If you don't know how to get to your goals, just keep walking forward. You may wake up one day and be there! 

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

SWDB: December, 2018

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...
Thursday, December 13, 2018

Outside my window...
as you are coming up the apartment walkway, you can see our little Christmas tree...and my thriving succulents in their little pots. It is a sweet scene and it makes me happy.

I am thinking...

about what I would like the future to look like - What should it include? What must it have to make us happy? And yes, I do think "being happy" is a worthwhile goal.

I am thankful...

that I had enough real live money - not credit - to get the Christmas shopping done. And that it is done. I also made my blankie for Ethan and game for Silas. Those accomplishments make me feel good. Now it's wrapping and baking time. I do love this time of year - especially when it's not rushed.

I am wearing...

the sweater of a friend from work. She gave me a bag of castoffs and they have breathed a little life into my wardrobe. And I am enjoying wearing her clothes. :)

I am creating...

a poem this morning. A newsletter for my union (have done 10 issues so far). And a long and photo-filled Christmas letter that went out several weeks ago.

I am going...
to take the kids to see a Christmas lights display next week. And to a dance/ballet in January. To California for a union conference and vacation also in Jan. And to the Christmas Eve service - possibly. Haven't decided yet.

I am wondering...

what will happen at work. We are in the middle of a very uncomfortable, uncertain re-org and everyone has been on pins and needles for weeks. It is increasingly stressful and depressing. Holiday break will be a very nice change of scenery.

I am reading...

so many new books once the children open their Christmas presents. Just got my Usborne book order and can't wait to dive in! I am also itching to read some of my own stuff....it COULD happen. Thinking about a nice hot bath and a good book.

I am hoping...

that those who are in my grief group at this (normally) intense and sometimes sad time of year, will know they are not alone and will be able to reach out for help if they need it.

I am learning...

(and only by constant reminders) how to let go of anxiety over the things I cannot change or affect. I am also continuing to learn about waiting. It is often the answer for me these days. A lot of wait and see and don't get too worked up.

In my garden...

Oh, it is very hard to think about my garden right now. I am tangled up over not closing it out fully last year. I am sure there are tools and garbage rotting in my garden plot, or rusting under the tree. If I can get over there this weekend I will at least gather up the tools and get them into my warm office. There were a lot of disappointments in the garden this year, and also a lot of very peaceful, restful moments of solitude. There were a few nice visits too - Mom, Rachel, Hoka, Irv. The children came a couple of times. I just need a home garden; that's all. The seed catalogs are already arriving. But I am not mentally ready to go there yet. And with the possibility of moving this spring, it is difficult to pour a lot of energy into planning the existing garden.

In my kitchen...

it is clean(ish) - dishes are done, counters and table are wiped. Fish have been sorted out. The only things tormenting are the godforsaken paper pile and, on the table, the nonsense kid crap pile. It is all I can do to not slide every single thing in sight into a trash bag. I want to. But that's a really bad idea. (Or is it?)

A favorite quote for today...

"A person's actions will tell you everything you need to know..." (unsure of author)

A peek into one of my days...
includes listening ad nauseum to one irritating co-worker blather, with a bad attitude and crabby personality. That drives me absolutely crazy.

One of my favorite things...
is turning out the lights, except for the strung Christmas sprinkle lights, and sitting quietly in the dark, thinking, being thankful, being quiet, feeling whatever comes by.

Post Script

This is me, at 45. I am relatively happy. I have accomplished some good things. I have a few dreams. I like me. This is me.

 

Thank you for reading.
~Ally