For Today...
Monday, February 11, 2019The sun is actually shining! It has been such weird weather in NH this winter (global warming). Warm like 60 degrees F then freezing in the 30s then zero then 55....this morning as I was trying to get Jack to put on his hat and gloves [a little passion play of the human struggle we like to enact every morning], he says, "Mom, winter is basically over!" "Um, kid, no it's not. We have at least two more months of winter left! Put your hat and gloves on!" [He did not. And, scene.}
I am thinking...
that the use of more than one exclamation mark is annoying (even though I do it) and the use of more than one question mark in an email is downright obnoxious! It really stresses a person out! It implies, "you dummy" after whatever they just said. Example: "Did you finish putting the dishes away?? [you dummy]." I think we should ban it altogether.
I am thankful...
that my children are growing. It is bittersweet, and as predicted, God is delightfully sweeping away all the memories of the trauma and fucked-up-edness that ensued in their years of being little, and all I am peacefully left with is the beautiful photos and the memories of their precious little bodies draped over a shoulder or snuggling into me on the rocking chair. [Not the screaming tantrums and fucking spoiled milk smell everywhere, the piles of filthy tiny clothes that seem insurmountable, or literally cutting shirts off Jack and throwing them away bc he had pooed so much.] I wish for baby moments again. I'm not gonna lie - the thought of swaddling an infant, soothing her, and then rocking her for an hour while I sing is a little slice of heaven. [I have been enjoying this with Baby Zachary, my bf-adjacent grandbaby.] But my children and I are having more fun together now - and we can do things I really like, such as outings, explorations, travel planning, and playing board games, card games, and car games [Laurel, you can imagine the joy I get with these game-players!!!]. They are finally learning to express their feelings in a verbal way that makes sense. Barely. But still, I can see we are making progress. And they can get themselves in and out of the car, the bed, and the clothes, and mostly the bathroom, without me. Phenomenal. Now I can breathe...for a split second.
I am wearing...
my verrry old but still looks new dark red Eddie Bauer sweater - I swear, their clothes last FOREVER! I wish I could afford to buy them more often! I always feel good in red.
I am creating...
...good grief, but there are a lot of projects underway. I echo Val's sentiment, it's all just possibilities and creativity laying around to inspire me [and NOT a mess of unfinished projects, ahem]. There are writing projects, art projects, sewing projects, the infamous "baby quilt" (a ha ha ha, but by God, if I have to sew it from my deathbed ** it WILL happen), unwritten cards that have been earmarked for this person or this (bygone) occasion. Cleaning projects, sorting projects, charity projects, office projects, gardening projects, and journals to document said unfinished projects. Actually, this is making me sick to my stomach. ;) Next question.
I am going...
to the dentist this afternoon. I love the dentist bc for 40 minutes, I cannot get anything else done...and so I have to sit and relax. It is such a relief to be in that chair, escaping from life for 40 blissful minutes. Well, the teeth cleaning doesn't exactly enhance the experience. But nothing's perfect.
I am wondering...
everything. As always. I read Mary Oliver's poem, "Worrying," and I truly meant to get something out of it, I did. I appreciated it because it is wise and she wrote it [may she rest in peace; and come back as part of my life]. But it's not like I'm going to quit worrying. That is hard-wired into my DNA! I am a worrisome Virgo, raised by a sensitive, creative Cancer and a well-meaning, workaholic Capricorn. One was Methodist, one Catholic. Both later Atheists, when I was longing for God. How the fuck am I supposed to escape worrying with that recipe????? It's a LIFESTYLE! The point is, there's a LOT on my mind. All question marks, no answers, as per usual. The one solid thing in my life is my strange little family: ex-husband, two children, aging mother, and half-time boyfriend. Together, they keep the gears turning. I love them.
I am reading...
Well you are not going to believe this, but I HAVE been grown-up reading! I started an Edith Wharton book I truly meant to enjoy but just don't. And then read wayyy into a book called Yoga School Dropout, which is like Eat, Pray, Love on yogic steroids. I am going to try to finish it, but am about 100 pgs from the end and I'm kinda done already. [Note to writer-self: know when to end.] And I finished (!) a tiny book called Seedfolks which I highly recommend to anyone vaguely interested in either gardening or building community...or if you need the accomplishment feeling of finishing a book. A beautiful book by Paul Fleishman.
I am hoping...
to purge the fuck out of my house. Of course I have no time, money (for supplies bc these projects always end up needing supplies, fucking Marie Kondo...), or partner to help with this. But a girl can dream. Maybe I can rope in Rachel....
I am learning...
to not wait for Coach to put me in....but just to run onto the court. So that's what I'm doing. And it feels great!
In my garden...
[i can't even]
In my kitchen...
are the remains of the two - yes TWO - adult-type meals I cooked for the children. Not that they ate hardly any. But at least they got to see what a real meal looks like! #howmanyfishsticks #howmuchmacncheese #saveme
A favorite quote for today...
"Don't accept that others know better than you." - v wise fortune cookie
A peek into one of my days...
is writing. I need to do this so much more often.
Post Script
If you don't know how to get to your goals, just keep walking forward. You may wake up one day and be there!
If you don't know how to get to your goals, just keep walking forward. You may wake up one day and be there!
~Ally
1 comment:
Wow! What a great upbeat, complex, open-hearted blog entry! (Oops, I guess that's enough exclam marks.) So glad you are seeing some of the results of your hard work as a mother. Yes, they do make you crazy for the first six years or so, but then you realize they are turning into real human beings who can actually take care of themselves AND delight you with their insights. I feel much the same as you about all the projects that I'm creating, or half-starting, or just conceptualizing -- the more that we "idea-persons" plan, the higher the tower of our unfinished work grows. (Talk about mixed blessings.) I had to laugh at your comment about the dentist visit as a time of peace. And I totally identified with your efforts to read more often. I've actually started the book you gave me for Xmas (The Testament of Harold's Wife) and find it fascinating -- will lend it to you when I'm done. Thanks for the beautiful picture of you -- not only of your face, but also inside your heart. Love, M.
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