SWDB: December, 2018

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...
Thursday, December 13, 2018

Outside my window...
as you are coming up the apartment walkway, you can see our little Christmas tree...and my thriving succulents in their little pots. It is a sweet scene and it makes me happy.

I am thinking...

about what I would like the future to look like - What should it include? What must it have to make us happy? And yes, I do think "being happy" is a worthwhile goal.

I am thankful...

that I had enough real live money - not credit - to get the Christmas shopping done. And that it is done. I also made my blankie for Ethan and game for Silas. Those accomplishments make me feel good. Now it's wrapping and baking time. I do love this time of year - especially when it's not rushed.

I am wearing...

the sweater of a friend from work. She gave me a bag of castoffs and they have breathed a little life into my wardrobe. And I am enjoying wearing her clothes. :)

I am creating...

a poem this morning. A newsletter for my union (have done 10 issues so far). And a long and photo-filled Christmas letter that went out several weeks ago.

I am going...
to take the kids to see a Christmas lights display next week. And to a dance/ballet in January. To California for a union conference and vacation also in Jan. And to the Christmas Eve service - possibly. Haven't decided yet.

I am wondering...

what will happen at work. We are in the middle of a very uncomfortable, uncertain re-org and everyone has been on pins and needles for weeks. It is increasingly stressful and depressing. Holiday break will be a very nice change of scenery.

I am reading...

so many new books once the children open their Christmas presents. Just got my Usborne book order and can't wait to dive in! I am also itching to read some of my own stuff....it COULD happen. Thinking about a nice hot bath and a good book.

I am hoping...

that those who are in my grief group at this (normally) intense and sometimes sad time of year, will know they are not alone and will be able to reach out for help if they need it.

I am learning...

(and only by constant reminders) how to let go of anxiety over the things I cannot change or affect. I am also continuing to learn about waiting. It is often the answer for me these days. A lot of wait and see and don't get too worked up.

In my garden...

Oh, it is very hard to think about my garden right now. I am tangled up over not closing it out fully last year. I am sure there are tools and garbage rotting in my garden plot, or rusting under the tree. If I can get over there this weekend I will at least gather up the tools and get them into my warm office. There were a lot of disappointments in the garden this year, and also a lot of very peaceful, restful moments of solitude. There were a few nice visits too - Mom, Rachel, Hoka, Irv. The children came a couple of times. I just need a home garden; that's all. The seed catalogs are already arriving. But I am not mentally ready to go there yet. And with the possibility of moving this spring, it is difficult to pour a lot of energy into planning the existing garden.

In my kitchen...

it is clean(ish) - dishes are done, counters and table are wiped. Fish have been sorted out. The only things tormenting are the godforsaken paper pile and, on the table, the nonsense kid crap pile. It is all I can do to not slide every single thing in sight into a trash bag. I want to. But that's a really bad idea. (Or is it?)

A favorite quote for today...

"A person's actions will tell you everything you need to know..." (unsure of author)

A peek into one of my days...
includes listening ad nauseum to one irritating co-worker blather, with a bad attitude and crabby personality. That drives me absolutely crazy.

One of my favorite things...
is turning out the lights, except for the strung Christmas sprinkle lights, and sitting quietly in the dark, thinking, being thankful, being quiet, feeling whatever comes by.

Post Script

This is me, at 45. I am relatively happy. I have accomplished some good things. I have a few dreams. I like me. This is me.

 

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

SWDB: October, 2018

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...
Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Outside my window...

It is grey. I dropped off the children who are going on a trip with their father tomorrow. I arrived at work and feel like I have traveled 1,000 miles already. It is 8:00 a.m. I am exhausted.

I am thinking...

that I have no idea where my life is going (as per usual). A minute ago, I was buying a house with my boyfriend, kids, and mother to move into. Then someone else got our perfect house. Now we are totally stalled out. I haven't seen bf in over a week for various outside reasons. And a lot has happened in that week. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going. I am so used to this feeling - but it doesn't mean I like it.

I am thankful...

for my beautiful children. They are growing and "becoming" so fast, I can barely keep up. Lucinda wrote me a letter that said, "Dear Mom, I would like to do more reading and writing with you." Yes, please, yes! Jacks just transitioned to a big-boy bike with training wheels, and for the first time in his life, he is showing some hesitation and caution, riding slowly to avoid toppling on the corner turns. Incredible. He is always 1,000 mph speed ahead! I am also thankful we just had a lovely if terribly, terribly brief visit with my sister Lauren, who came to help Mom start the "cull 50 years of stuff in the house" project. Thank you for all your hard work, Lauren, and your tender love. I am going to pretend you aren't leaving this morning. Let a girl dream.

I am wearing...

an old outfit, a junky, not-really-for-work outfit of burgundy sweat-type pants and black and white flannel shirt, ala 1990s. I am so tired I want to be in bed, so this outfit is like being under the covers. ;)

I am creating...

a better home for my kids. Lucy said this week, "I feel more at home at Daddy's." :( We need to deep clean my house, throw out half the clutter shit, and start over. I don't know how long we will live in this apartment, so I better put some love back into it.

I am going...
to scream if this god-forsaken cold doesn't go away this week. I am on day 18, hacking and coughing, sniffling and weary. W.T.F. Super Virus. Fucking super virus. I am also going to quit smoking starting tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.

I am wondering...

so many things. If I am hindering the progress of my little ones by not having enough money to send them to gymnastics, singing lessons, soccer, basketball, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, etc etc etc. Whether S will ask me to pay more of the share of money, even though I don't know how I could. Whether my bf still wants to be with me. How to get everything done at work. How to clean my fucking house, have some down time, see my friends and bf, put to bed my garden, get over this cold, help Mom pack her house, and organize my life - oh, and dye my fucking hair - all in 6 days while they are gone. Seems unlikely.

I am reading...

the Richard Scarry books to my kids last night, even though they weren't listening - they were deep involved in some Barbie warfare/obstacle course scenario. But Lauren and I enjoyed digging deep into the portal of our brainholes and remembering the stories from our wayyyyyy distant childhood. Very satisfying. Good ol' Richard Scarry.

I am hoping...

for some Rachel Time, Hoka Time, a massage, and a haircut. For some money, a trip to Nebraska with the kids, and good Christmas memories. For a beautiful, big-enough house for us all to live peacefully and happily in. For my heart to get sorted out.

I am learning...

What am I learning? Hmm.......

In my garden...

are two bigggg swings that I bought the children, that I very much do NOT want to leave out in the snow all winter to rust. I want to bring them in, but that will require a bunch of non-existent room in my house to appear. Could this happen???? Maybe....

In my kitchen...

are so many papers stacked up that I want to burn the house down. My endless torture in this entire life are the stacks of paper I cannot seem to control, which burden me with their gimme-gimme and their endless tasks that I should be doing. If I could find a way to escape the monster that is paper piles, I might be a more balanced, happy person. I really have no hope of this happening in my lifetime.

A favorite quote for today...

Be like the tree and the birds will come. ~Rumi [I think.]

A peek into one of my days...
Oh nobody wants to see that shit.

One of my favorite things...
is when Jack likes to lie on me like a blanket and cover me, snuggle into me, and body-hug me. That boy is the most complicated person in my life and he has stolen my heart. I love him FIERCELY. I would definitely lie in traffic for him.

Post Script

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...
Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Outside my window...

The arborvitae outside my office window are struggling - 4 of 6 of them look to be dying. Nobody is watering them. Should I be watering them?? It is sunny today, a beautiful day. I am tired in and out and wishing to be in my garden, weeding, planting, having more than 5 minutes.

I am thinking...

About how to talk to my kids about racism. Their world is so white, so middle class...they have no idea. How do you explain to these babies that there are so many people full of hate? I will come at it from a "we believe all humans are equal" standpoint. See how that goes.

I am thankful...

For Purple Dove bush beans and Blue Lake bush beans....they are growing with flourish. What on earth am i going to do with all those beans?? Friendly Kitchen...here I come!

I am wearing...

my red hot pants and a somewhat slutty blouse (peekaboo cleavage opening) that I don't normally wear to work but I don't have any meetings and the bosses are away, so.

I am creating...

a home for my children that celebrates artwork, books, learning, personal goals, fun time, animals, the planet (earth science), and family. It isn't always clean (which is a gross overstatement...it is rarely clean). But it holds our love, I hope.

I am going...

to take some of the blessed surprise days off I found in my time off roster...I just can't figure out how or when! Oh Mama needs a day off.

I am wondering...

if the little girls Lucinda invited to her special Girls' Day birthday party will come. This is causing me great anxiety, but there's really nothing I can do about it. Am trying to "work my magic," and orchestrate the logistics and moods and needs...but i don't have any magic! I'm a regular mom just trying to make a special day. Worst case scenario, I will spend the day with my little sweetheart, heart of my heart, and we will tear up this town!

I am reading...

the Ramona books to my daughter at night, which is just about the most satisfying mother moment I have ever had. I dreamed of this my whole life. These were my favorite books by my favorite author, Beverly Cleary. Now Lucinda loves them so much and this has become our special time at night, after Jack passes out. She wants to write to Beverly Cleary and suggest a new book. I think that's a great idea!

I am hoping...

this slog-bog day will go very quickly so I can get to my garden and have some time alone.

I am learning...

to go with the flow. A life-long lesson.

In my garden...

I am very pleased to report that I planted the moonflower and the red cypress vines within the children's tunnel, and I have high hopes of them climbing toward the light and covering that tunnel like a little secret hideaway.

In my kitchen...

the crazy, relentless fish are growing bigger and bigger and they swarm the tank walls every time I approach. Nuts. The "pet project" was a big Mommy project, as it turns out - and as so many mothers before me have experienced.

A favorite quote for today...

“Each time a man acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope...and those ripples, together, build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression.” ~Bobby Kennedy #RFK50

A peek into one of my days...

...started with lying in bed hoping somehow to beat time. Time won. Got up and rushed like crazy to get to work on time, trying to get eyeballs to stop feeling like sandpaper. Stayed up too late binging on "Game of Thrones." Bf made me cinnamon rolls for breakfast and got everything out, as he always does, for my coffee fixins. He is a darling. Rushed to work, no altercations with aggressive Loudon truck drivers (tyG). Burrowed through emails, projects, event planning, and distracting activities like this one. Hopefully this day will end with leaving work, going to chiropractor, picking up a few tops which I desperately need in my wardrobe, and hitting the garden for some serious progress on the final section that needs digging. Dinner w my love and sweetness/sweatness.

One of my favorite things...

is playing car games with my kids, such as "I went to my Grandmother's Attic" or "Would You Rather" or "Opposites Game" or "Which one sounds kind and which one sounds mean?"

Post Script

(red-tailed hawk, photo from internet)

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Simple Woman's Daybook - June 14

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...
Thursday, June 14, 2018

Outside my window...

...outside my - office - window, there is a really ugly cement block and an endless array of construction workers who have been building the same tiny room aside a brick building for months. At one point they tore down the most beautiful huge tree that I have loved for years. They replaced it with a row of little bush/trees (arborvitae?), and left the nursery tags on, so someday, the bushes will grow tall and the birds will have to pick off those labels. When I was out earlier today, I saw one of my favorite city sights - a young preschool worker toting a big wagon filled with children. I love those kid wagons.

I am thinking...

(more like feeling) overwhelmed in my life at the moment. I feel like I am inside a tornado - everything swirling around me, pretty much no control over anything, never knowing what's coming (but it's bound to be familiar and the same and still frustrating). I feel overwhelmed with my schedule, my work and workload, my lack of free time this summer, my total lack of quiet time - except for gardening. I feel panicky about the kids and everything in that world. Strapped and hindered by tight finances. Frustrated with things happening around me that I cannot seem to influence. Having a hard time communicating. Feeling lonely and disconnected. Feeling generally crabby and spent and not "up for" what I need to do immediately.

I am thankful...

that I have a job. That I have a mom who lives nearby - my anxiety and agitation over her being gone this summer is simply due to the luxury of having gotten used to her being around. That I have a few people who dearly love me.

I am wearing...

the tunic and tights - almost the same outfit - that I wore when pregnant with Lucy...and Jack. Hoping nobody remembers or notices.  It's comfortable and I am too tired to deal with fashion today. And it isn't actually maternity-wear...

I am creating...

the most peaceful and beautiful garden this year. I am way ahead of last year in terms of getting my seeds and plants in. I have a lot left to do, but it is all gravy at this point, for the most part. The children came and enjoyed themselves TWICE last weekend - was a God-given miracle. Not sure if they will come again, but I am already grateful for those two visits.

I am going...
nowhere. This is one of my great frustrations. I need some time off and this summer, the time and money simply do not give way to vacations or even many day trips. I am trying to take the kids on some adventures. So any money will be saved for that. Otherwise, I'm just slogging through. I really need a mental break from work and home responsibilities. I need a serious unwind.

I am wondering...

when the next phase of my life will begin - either in the career realm or the home-making realm. H and I sometimes plan to live together, pick out houses and talk about yards and gardens, goats and chickens. Then sometimes we don't. [Hazards of a sun-Gemini and a rising moon-Gemini.] I have big plans for my next career but so many obstacles stand in the way. I am OK waiting for now, and working on my current job, which I at least half thoroughly enjoy.

I am reading...

not much. I started a few books and some even travel back and forth in my overnight bag. But I haven't opened any in a while. I do continue to peruse several child-rearing books. And "what's the deal with boys" books. And I just got "Two Kisses for Maddy" from the library after reading about it online. Haven't opened yet. Is due in a week. ;)

I am hoping...

to come upon some vacation time or some spontaneous quiet time, so I can get myself back in order.

I am learning...

to try totally new methods of relating in my boyfriend-relationship. No sense re-plowing old ground, right? Time to find some new ways of communicating and relating. This process I find to be difficult and confusing...but also freeing. Am trying to relax considerably.

In my garden...

I accidentally let the composter become a house for wasps - even though I was carefully warned against it (via articles read). So that sucks. I am breaking my back lugging gallons of water back and forth bc we haven't had rain in a while and I have a lot of new things planted. I need to replant all the snap peas. And crap! As I sit here, I realize I never "soak and nick"ed the seeds I meant to plant this afternoon. Shoot. Well, I will plant something else then. I need that garden time like it's an anti-depressant. Or coffee. Actually, garden + anti-depressant + coffee is a POWERFUL combination! :)

In my kitchen...

are a bunch of foods my children refuse to eat and none of the three foods they will consume: mac n cheese (Lucy), fish sticks (Jack), waffles (both). Hmm. This is not good. They come back home tonight.

A favorite quote for today...

"Your family is one of nature's masterpieces." I love this. And I do believe it.

A peek into one of my days...

Cue the circus music....

One of my favorite things...

is the ongoing dream to get three dogs someday: an English Setter (mostly white), a French Bulldog (white), and either an Irish Setter or a Sheltie (or an alternate days, a Great Dane).

Post Script

(Jack, Lucy, and friend Piper)

Hand-powered paddle boats at Chucksters - a brilliant invention for little kids (and those of us who always found paddle boats to be fatiguing and annoying)!

Many blessings to you and yours. Thank you for reading.
~Ally