Thursday, June 2, 2016

Something in the air?

Oh I have a big feeling today is going to be one of those days. Did "ok" with the kids getting out the door. A little yelling and aggravation, but no crying, no temper tantrums, no weeping mother, etc. Something somebody told me recently is that you are responsible to help your kids grow up to be a functioning adult in society. Meaning, not a functioning kid! So no need to worry about how insane they may act's just all baby steps toward adulthood and as long as we have our shit relatively sorted out by age 18 or 20, we should be in the clear. We shall see.

But whether it's barometric pressure, the grey clouds forming overhead, the pressure of the clock with today's IEP appointment in the middle of my workday and three trips to Henniker required...., the fact that I have not paid rent yet because there is no money to pay it....., or the frustration (everlasting) of not getting timely answers at work - though I literally BEGGED in pathetic pleas this time - or from the garden guy. Well, I just have a feeling. There is no one on my wing of the office today. Quiet and productive sure, but also lonely. Two good friends work near me - one quit last week (!) and the other is working from home, attending to happy home events.

I have felt rather unmoored lately. The last couple weeks have provided several emotional challenges. Maybe something's in the air. Lot of brick walls. Lot of closed doors. And conversations hanging out there with only silence to answer them. Ugh.

So "what have you gained in that time"? Grateful for...

- Having my kids back at my house until Sunday. I really missed them the last four days.
- Knowing several people who went through the divorce road with their kids and all survived. Some even thrived and were quite happy once they could start over.
- A visit to Bob's garden yesterday with the kids. Wow, he is really a farmer and has the most beautiful, lush garden of vegetables and flowers. Also visited Rachel's phenomenal wild-n-wooly flower garden Sunday night. A balm to my soul, both of these encounters. And Rachel was right - letting a gardener talk to you about their garden is very fun.
- The chance to blog again. Nice to be talking to the great wide world.
- A brief talk with my sister last night, on speaker, while the kids were taking a pink color-bath. "Hi Aunty Lauren!" (Lucy) "Have a great night Lauren!" (Jack) So sweet. I can't believe she and her family are really coming in July. I probably won't believe it until I see them in the airport coming down the hallway. I haven't seen her or the kids in three years. I haven't seen Benjamin in five. It's not right. But seeing them in one month is SO right.
- The opportunity to try to mend a relationship that had suffered a slight. I think we are okay. Time will tell.
- Two *free* visits with a financial planner who is getting my finances all sorted out, thankfully!
- Sunny days and starry nights.
- Decent health.

Wary, a little depressed, and also thankful.

1 comment:

Charlotte said...

Such deep and honest thoughts. So many feelings I wanted to hear more about. (When will we ever get a chance to talk?) So glad you could turn yourself around to gratitude by the end. That's what writing can do for us, and that's what will keep us headed toward the sunlight.