Friday, May 31, 2013

Parenting is hard

By the time I reach work at 8:15 a.m., I am exhausted. Every day. I have already fought a major war and survived (if by the skin of my teeth). There may have been tears in the car. There may have been children crying, while being forced to get dressed [when they preferred "naked, naked"] or in their car seat [when they preferred to be snuggled by mama all morning at a leisurely pace]. There may have been a long and irritating stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a severely overpriced breakfast because though Daddy and LG had time for French toast and bacon, Mama had time for nothing [not that anyone is jealous or anything...]. There may have been a fight with a spider IN THE CAR WHILE DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY AND NEARLY KILLING ONESELF...aghghghghghghgh!!! There may have been lots of "fuck this and fuck that" yelled out loud while stopped at a red light with lots of traffic. There may have been a run-in with another driver who thought it was a good idea to honk at me because she could not wait for five measely seconds while I looked at my receipt in the Dunkin' drive through. There may have been wistful thoughts of an alternate life in an alternate universe. There may have been all kinds of regrets, including not saying something nicer to husband before driving away, just in case one of us dies on the road today - **God Forbid**. There may have been a sick amount of cigarettes consumed. There may have been. These are all theoreticals, of course!!!!!!


The quote that is on my computer at my desk at work is this. [I am assuming by her words that Pema Chodron never had two children at the age of 40, but I am too tired to google it, so what the hell do I know? She probably did...]


Patience is a way to de-escalate aggression and its accompanying pain. This is to say that when we're feeling aggressive - and I think this would go for any strong emotion - there's a seductive quality that pulls us in the direction of wanting to get some resolution. We feel restless, agitated, ill at ease. It hurts so much to feel the aggression that we want it to be resolved. Right then we could change the way we look at this discomfort and practice patience." ~ Pema Chodron


Thank you, Pema. You are right, of course. I will work on it.

Breathe. Breathe.

The song I made up for Lucy, based on Grandma Char's lifelong advice, would be good for today:

"Just breathe, just breathe,
When you're getting upset, just breathe.
When the world seems hard,
And you're tired in your heart,
The best thing you can do is

Fucking spider.

Okay, breathe...



Charlotte said...

It's all true. And you are amazing for surviving it. So good to know that putting these thoughts into words here can help you get some perspective on it all.

Anonymous said...

Fucking spider.


Sorry about the french toast.