Friday, September 5, 2008

Thursday night

It strikes me as very odd that I have been crying for 23 days in a row. I can't imagine I've ever cried so much in my life. And several times a day, for a variety of reasons. A bird flew overhead while I was driving, the people at the car loan company wouldn't help me (or even talk to me about my Dad's account), the flowers are dropping, I found a letter Dad wrote to me over ten years ago that was so funny, I am too tired to make the bed, mom and I found ourselves in a huge yelling match for no reason, the To Do list on sorting the estate is too fucking long, I still don't have a job, I can't imagine having the energy to get a job, I have perpetually puffy eyelids, Anna and Emma sent cards to Tip - the dying dog, the dog woke up another get the idea. Any old reason will do.

I have brief glimmers of needing the people to surround me - the people who are not here and available to surround me. Then the window closes up and when they return my calls, I am sorely irritated. I need casseroles. Then hate my fat reflection in the mirror. I want hugs. Then can't stand to be touched and find my legs twitching or everything aching all over.

Oh, this is good times.

I'm sorry I don't have the strength to read your blogs tonight or even ask how you are (but how are you?)...I am tired down to the insides of my bones. My Dad would say, "Don't print that on your blog or the employers will never hire you." Guess what Dad, you can't give me advice anymore b/c you are dead. [as if that will stop him]

Anyway, I do care how you are. So if you feel the energy in your life, put a Comment on this blog and tell me a little something about you. I promise when I have the strength to ask you again, I will.


p.s. Mom and I went to see "Mamma Mia" tonight - that helped.


Marie said...

Sometimes life just seems like a neverending line of crap . . . this too shall pass Ally. ((((hugs)))) Glad you got to see MamaMia. I loved the film! Can't wait for it to come out on DVD so I can watch it again, and again, and again! (Todd will not be so pleased but what the heck!) Things are going well here. (thanks for asking!) You remain in my prayers as does your mom.

Anonymous said...

Hi honey, I'm still here too, though we don't get nearly enough time together these days. And thank godness I missed out on MammaMia too. I love you sweets. ~Scott

Laurel said...

Hi Ally my dear friend, you have nothing to apologize for. We are all here for you - to listen, give you what you need, make you some casseroles, pray for you. Do what you need to do (or don't do) to get through the days. xoxo LDA

Anonymous said...

Oh girl, I wish I could just sit by your side and hold your hand. Maybe I'll design a virtual Holding Hand badge for my site and give it to you. Or maybe I'll just tell you I care. Because I do.