For Today...
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Outside my window...
It is grey. I dropped off the children who are going on a trip with their father tomorrow. I arrived at work and feel like I have traveled 1,000 miles already. It is 8:00 a.m. I am exhausted.
I am thinking...
that I have no idea where my life is going (as per usual). A minute ago, I was buying a house with my boyfriend, kids, and mother to move into. Then someone else got our perfect house. Now we are totally stalled out. I haven't seen bf in over a week for various outside reasons. And a lot has happened in that week. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going. I am so used to this feeling - but it doesn't mean I like it.
I am thankful...
for my beautiful children. They are growing and "becoming" so fast, I can barely keep up. Lucinda wrote me a letter that said, "Dear Mom, I would like to do more reading and writing with you." Yes, please, yes! Jacks just transitioned to a big-boy bike with training wheels, and for the first time in his life, he is showing some hesitation and caution, riding slowly to avoid toppling on the corner turns. Incredible. He is always 1,000 mph speed ahead! I am also thankful we just had a lovely if terribly, terribly brief visit with my sister Lauren, who came to help Mom start the "cull 50 years of stuff in the house" project. Thank you for all your hard work, Lauren, and your tender love. I am going to pretend you aren't leaving this morning. Let a girl dream.
I am wearing...
an old outfit, a junky, not-really-for-work outfit of burgundy sweat-type pants and black and white flannel shirt, ala 1990s. I am so tired I want to be in bed, so this outfit is like being under the covers. ;)
I am creating...
a better home for my kids. Lucy said this week, "I feel more at home at Daddy's." :( We need to deep clean my house, throw out half the clutter shit, and start over. I don't know how long we will live in this apartment, so I better put some love back into it.I am going...
to scream if this god-forsaken cold doesn't go away this week. I am on day 18, hacking and coughing, sniffling and weary. W.T.F. Super Virus. Fucking super virus. I am also going to quit smoking starting tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.
I am wondering...
so many things. If I am hindering the progress of my little ones by not having enough money to send them to gymnastics, singing lessons, soccer, basketball, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, etc etc etc. Whether S will ask me to pay more of the share of money, even though I don't know how I could. Whether my bf still wants to be with me. How to get everything done at work. How to clean my fucking house, have some down time, see my friends and bf, put to bed my garden, get over this cold, help Mom pack her house, and organize my life - oh, and dye my fucking hair - all in 6 days while they are gone. Seems unlikely.
I am reading...
the Richard Scarry books to my kids last night, even though they weren't listening - they were deep involved in some Barbie warfare/obstacle course scenario. But Lauren and I enjoyed digging deep into the portal of our brainholes and remembering the stories from our wayyyyyy distant childhood. Very satisfying. Good ol' Richard Scarry.
I am hoping...
for some Rachel Time, Hoka Time, a massage, and a haircut. For some money, a trip to Nebraska with the kids, and good Christmas memories. For a beautiful, big-enough house for us all to live peacefully and happily in. For my heart to get sorted out.
I am learning...
What am I learning? Hmm.......
In my garden...
are two bigggg swings that I bought the children, that I very much do NOT want to leave out in the snow all winter to rust. I want to bring them in, but that will require a bunch of non-existent room in my house to appear. Could this happen???? Maybe....
In my kitchen...
are so many papers stacked up that I want to burn the house down. My endless torture in this entire life are the stacks of paper I cannot seem to control, which burden me with their gimme-gimme and their endless tasks that I should be doing. If I could find a way to escape the monster that is paper piles, I might be a more balanced, happy person. I really have no hope of this happening in my lifetime.
A favorite quote for today...
Be like the tree and the birds will come. ~Rumi [I think.]
A peek into one of my days...
Oh nobody wants to see that shit.
One of my favorite things...Oh nobody wants to see that shit.
is when Jack likes to lie on me like a blanket and cover me, snuggle into me, and body-hug me. That boy is the most complicated person in my life and he has stolen my heart. I love him FIERCELY. I would definitely lie in traffic for him.
Post Script
~Ally
