Tis Late

Tis Late 

by April Bernard

 

Of course the tall stringy woman

draped in a crocheted string-shawl 

 

selling single red carnations

 

coned in newsprint the ones

 

she got at the cemetery

 

and resells with a god bless you

 

for a dollar that same woman 

 

who thirty years ago

 

was a graduate student

 

in playwriting who can and will

 

recite "At the round earth's

 

imagined corners, blow--"

 

announces silently amidst her louder

 

announcements that the experiment

 

some amateurs mixed of

 

white fizzing democracy

 

with smoky purple capitalism

 

has failed. We already knew that.

 

Her madness is my madness

 

and this is my flower in a cone

 

of waste paper I stole from

 

someone's more authentic grief

 

but I will not bless you

 

as I have no spirit of commerce

 

and no returning customers

 

and do not as so many must

 

actually beg for my bread. It is another

 

accident of the lab explosion

 

that while most died and others lost legs

 

some of us are only vaguely queasy

 

at least for now 

 

and of course mad conveniently mad

 

necessarily mad because 

 

"tis late to ask for pardon" and

 

we were so carefully schooled 

 

in false hope schooled

 

like the parrot who crooks her tongue

 

like a dirty finger

 

repeating what her flat bright eyes deny.

GL #2

1. Snow
2. The Moby wrap...baby is in it and this seems to be the only way to get anything done today. Though back pain will surely result.
3. Food.
4. Emeli Sande - just discovered her music and i really like her.
5. The steady stream of movies, chocolate, and money that keeps showing up. Thank you to everyone who is sending this stuff. You know who you are.
6. A husband who seems to be on the long haul with me. These short roads, the day to day, are sometimes brutal. But we keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow we keep managing.
7. Pampers...that is re: Marie's previous comment.
8. Formula, since my little wumpkin is eating like it's going out of style, and i can't keep up with him! Am using formula to supplement. He could not care less.
9. The baby whisperer, Dr. Harvey Karp, bc though i have been cursing him while my baby is screaming his wee head off, i am still using his techniques...and sometimes they work! (They worked like a charm on Lucinda.)
10. A union contract that allows me to stay home with this baby and not worry about being unemployed later. Thank you, NHESO.

~ Ally

Plan of Attack re: PPD

Am experiencing a good, hearty dose of post-partum depression. We are almost at week five since Jack's birth. I have had lots of help at home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. Lots of company, which I set up ahead of time. But still, I feel major moments of despair and hopelessness. I often feel mildly apathetic, frustrated, cranky, and very impatient, like I just can't deal...followed promptly by severe guilt. Lots of weeping. I don't know if it is because of the hormones, the difficulty of adjusting from one kid to two, the lack of structure in my new life, or lack of sleep, or general weakness on my part. But then again, the reason doesn't matter so much, does it? So this is going to be my first plan of attack. Having a plan is already helping me feel a little better. In no particular order...

1) Reach out and ask for help. (done)
2) Get some better drugs.
3) Talk to doctor (my check up appt is this week).
4) Walk with Jack in stroller. [Is it okay to bundle him up and take him out even though it is very cold and sometimes snowing? I do have a carseat cover thing that zips up.]
5) Make a daily Gratefulness List (GL).
6) Go out in the mornings while Lucy is at daycare and do some visiting.
7) Spend more time with Jenn, who is always a big supporter.
8) Try to avoid crutching on my vice. (argh)
9) Drink some. (I do not have any problem with drinking, so maybe one here and there will help me chill out.)
10) Shop with Jack (I have some gift cards to burn)...a little retail therapy. This could also include getting my hair cut, which always makes me feel better.
11) Sleep more. (oy)
12) Call Gerry, the post-partum counselor from the Family Place (and a previous friend). (and it's free)


Gratefulness List for today:
1) I have a healthy, beautiful baby boy and a healthy, sweet toddler who is coping with these changes quite well, all things considered.
2) The blessing snow that has been falling yesterday and today to comfort me (thank you God, got the message).
3) Scott, ever helpful.
4) The wonderful women who have been staying with us to help us through: Mom, Rebecca, and soon to arrive, Fran.
5) Random money that seems to keep showing up when we need it (again, thank you).

Wish me luck.
~Ally

Sweet Baby Jack

Announcing little Jack Lawrence Snyder, born January 22 to proud parents Scott and Ally, and excited big sister (age 18 months), Lucinda Grace. We love you, baby.

~Ally