Good Things

1. There is a beautiful cemetery nearby where I hope we can have Dad's ashes placed, in a family plot, so I have somewhere to visit him. I went there the other night to talk with him, even though his remains are not there yet. The place feels right and it is comforting.

2. My grief group has been so encouraging and I really appreciate getting to know those people.

3. Facebook has been fun for reconnecting with old friends and finding out what they're up to.

4. Hillary and baby are doing well and we are glad baby is still in the "oven" for the time being. Though an uncomfortable Hillary might disagree.

5. The crazy cat, O'Reilly, tried hard to burn his tail but putting it right over a burning candle - for about 20 seconds! - but his tail, despite singed hair, is no worse for the wear. Silly kitty!

6. Scott and I are doing well on the baby-making plans, and enjoying the, uh, process. ;)

7. I have a part-time job now and though it's not a lot of money, it gives me a schedule and regular time in an office to keep my skills up. It also gives me a chance for social interactions, which are very helpful to me.

8. Mom is taking me to visit Grandma Dorothy in about a week and I am very much looking forward to visiting her. It's been way too long and I've missed her. I will also get a chance to visit our old neighbors and go to Mom's writing group in Fargo.

9. Scott has found a beautiful dog for us and it's the kind I have been hoping for: an English Setter!

10. Chocolate. Brownies. 'Nuff said.

11. We are working on a trip to include visiting Hillary once her baby arrives, and seeing Scott's Mom and Dad in Alabama. Spring is for visiting Snyders this year.

12. Lauren and Benjamin bought the house they have been wanting for years! They are well into renovation projects already.

13. My women's group starts on Saturday and I am very excited!

14. Judy the Cat has become my snuggly bunny and she just loves her mama. Meow.

How are you?
~Ally

February snapshot

i am: watching a Hallmark movie, "For the Love of Grace" (it's good)
i think: I am not cut out to be a fire fighter - I am very thankful for those who are
i want: to spend some time with Jesse soon
i wish: I had $5,000 to give my friend who is having a terrible time
i miss: my cousins and their families
i feel: like a stepmom; I really appreciate Hillary and her family
i hear: we might be getting stimulus checks - I so hope it's true!
i smell: Nature's Gate cream and I immediately think of Amy
i crave: girl friends to pal around with on a regular basis
i search: for books I can read while my mind is still distracted
i wonder: how Robin is doing
i regret: not spending more time with Jenny in Boston
i love: the thought of having a women's "book group," or even better, just a dinner and friendship group that meets regularly - a group you can count on and grow with for years
i ache: therefore i am
i always: prefer night to morning
i am not: friends with money or time. oh well, can't win 'em all!
i believe: there is a God (no matter what you call it) who is a benevolent force
i dance: well, i WANT to line dance with Fran!
i sing: when I play the piano - eventually the music just bursts forth
i write: thoughts and ideas for the poetry reading in March
i win: the prize for most awful closets...but not for long!
i lose: track of time on Facebook
i confuse: short term memories - a symptom of grief, I believe
i listen: to Mom's advice (but don't tell her that)
i can usually be found: scrounging for a snack (grr)
i am scared: of spiders falling on my head - shivering at the thought!
i need: people
i am happy about: the possibility of editing and writing from home
i hope: Scott and I beat the odds and stay married for life

and since in January,
i resolve(d): to visit the clubhouse exercise room,
I will confess that I have not been there yet. I do still plan to go.
for February,
i resolve: to call my cousin Amber and tell her I love her!

And finally, a beautiful quote from the Hallmark movie: "Don't postpone the joy."

Tag - you're it! Let me know when you've done your list.
~Ally

Thoughts on a Saturday Night

1. Scott and I are so lucky that our best friends had a beautiful boy baby, and let us take care of him tonight - his first adventures with a babysitter. It was wonderful for us, and hopefully nice for the mom and dad to have date again after seven months.

2. We are also thankful that we can still relate to them and spend time together - the presence of a baby (and their becoming mom and dad) didn't render us speechless with nothing left in common, as sometimes happens. Thank you, L & C.

3. Scott is going to make a wonderful father to potential future children of ours. He has a gentle and kind way with children, and babies really love him. (He was/is a great father to Hillary, and a v fun grandpa to Matthew.)

4. Cats are way easier to take care of than dogs. [No offense, Buddy.] You can throw some kibble down, leave a light on, and be gone for several hours with no harm done. Very freeing really.

5. Facebook is a very odd place and cultural phenomenon. It is astounding how you can suddenly connect to your elementary school chums and in a week be sharing 5th grade class photos and laughing over who looked most like a dork in grade school. It is also thrilling to "meet" someone who used to be the briefest acquaintance in a lifetime you no longer remember...who has the potential to become a real friend, since you now share so much in common. Life grows us up in strange ways, does it not?

6. Your hairstyle from the previous decade is destined to embarrass you. [Though I refuse to regret my 90's split-level perm.]

7. I finally found a way that works for me to talk to my old long-lost friends: schedule (and keep) a one hour phone date.

8. No matter what we lose in this dismal economy and these Shrinking Wallet Days, as long as we have our love, our friends and family, and our health, we will be fine. More than fine. Dandy. ;)

9. Scott is my true and everlasting love. Thank you, Babe.

10. Fast food is gross. No matter how good it sometimes tastes.

I am grateful for a full life, for the good and not-so-tender memories of the past, and for the many thousands of ways I have been allowed to connect with family, friends, and loved ones - not excluding dreams. I appreciated seeing Dad and Grandpa C. in my dream last night. Miss you both.

What's rattling around in your brain?

~Ally

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

My Mom noticed the message on one of my coffee mugs the other day: "Don't Look Back." It's part of a Mary Engelbreit drawing of a girl walking down the road. At a fork in the road, one sign points to "Your Life" and the other sign points to another path called, "No Longer an Option." The girl in the picture has already started down her path.

I have spent the last few days in a spontaneous Facebook explosion of long lost friends coming out of the woodwork. I went looking for some of them, and others found me on their own or through mutual friends. Maybe this type of thing has happened to you, through your blog, or Facebook, MySpace, or another social networking site. The flood of uncovered memories and rediscovered friends (or acquaintances now labeled friends) can be a tad overwhelming. It can also be exciting to see how all those people turned out after years gone by. They are beautiful, grown up, with spouses and families, children and pets, careers and interests I never imagined. The slutty ones domesticated, and vice versa. The thin ones became pleasantly-plump (like me) and the floppy ones buffed up. The townies are still townies and the adventurers cannot be stopped.

Some of their stories make me sad, and others shock me or make my heart catch in my throat. I remember crushes, companionships, and shared dreams. It amazes me that some of these people were once so close to me, vital to the shaping of my life...and though distanced by time and space, we come together again on Facebook. I also have to realize that the roads not taken were not taken for good reasons, and there is no point in wanderlusting about "what if." What if...I lived the life I was meant to live and this is exactly where I turned up?

Life is so unexpected. It really is.

I need a little breather to take in all the new stimulation. But once the dust settles, I think I'll be glad to have reconnected and learned that these dear people are well and surviving in the grand world. I am glad to have known each of them. And I will be thrilled to see what new, unexpected friendships develop at this point in my life. I am ready for a new friend, Universe.

~Ally