SWDB: December, 2018

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...
Thursday, December 13, 2018

Outside my window...
as you are coming up the apartment walkway, you can see our little Christmas tree...and my thriving succulents in their little pots. It is a sweet scene and it makes me happy.

I am thinking...

about what I would like the future to look like - What should it include? What must it have to make us happy? And yes, I do think "being happy" is a worthwhile goal.

I am thankful...

that I had enough real live money - not credit - to get the Christmas shopping done. And that it is done. I also made my blankie for Ethan and game for Silas. Those accomplishments make me feel good. Now it's wrapping and baking time. I do love this time of year - especially when it's not rushed.

I am wearing...

the sweater of a friend from work. She gave me a bag of castoffs and they have breathed a little life into my wardrobe. And I am enjoying wearing her clothes. :)

I am creating...

a poem this morning. A newsletter for my union (have done 10 issues so far). And a long and photo-filled Christmas letter that went out several weeks ago.

I am going...
to take the kids to see a Christmas lights display next week. And to a dance/ballet in January. To California for a union conference and vacation also in Jan. And to the Christmas Eve service - possibly. Haven't decided yet.

I am wondering...

what will happen at work. We are in the middle of a very uncomfortable, uncertain re-org and everyone has been on pins and needles for weeks. It is increasingly stressful and depressing. Holiday break will be a very nice change of scenery.

I am reading...

so many new books once the children open their Christmas presents. Just got my Usborne book order and can't wait to dive in! I am also itching to read some of my own stuff....it COULD happen. Thinking about a nice hot bath and a good book.

I am hoping...

that those who are in my grief group at this (normally) intense and sometimes sad time of year, will know they are not alone and will be able to reach out for help if they need it.

I am learning...

(and only by constant reminders) how to let go of anxiety over the things I cannot change or affect. I am also continuing to learn about waiting. It is often the answer for me these days. A lot of wait and see and don't get too worked up.

In my garden...

Oh, it is very hard to think about my garden right now. I am tangled up over not closing it out fully last year. I am sure there are tools and garbage rotting in my garden plot, or rusting under the tree. If I can get over there this weekend I will at least gather up the tools and get them into my warm office. There were a lot of disappointments in the garden this year, and also a lot of very peaceful, restful moments of solitude. There were a few nice visits too - Mom, Rachel, Hoka, Irv. The children came a couple of times. I just need a home garden; that's all. The seed catalogs are already arriving. But I am not mentally ready to go there yet. And with the possibility of moving this spring, it is difficult to pour a lot of energy into planning the existing garden.

In my kitchen...

it is clean(ish) - dishes are done, counters and table are wiped. Fish have been sorted out. The only things tormenting are the godforsaken paper pile and, on the table, the nonsense kid crap pile. It is all I can do to not slide every single thing in sight into a trash bag. I want to. But that's a really bad idea. (Or is it?)

A favorite quote for today...

"A person's actions will tell you everything you need to know..." (unsure of author)

A peek into one of my days...
includes listening ad nauseum to one irritating co-worker blather, with a bad attitude and crabby personality. That drives me absolutely crazy.

One of my favorite things...
is turning out the lights, except for the strung Christmas sprinkle lights, and sitting quietly in the dark, thinking, being thankful, being quiet, feeling whatever comes by.

Post Script

This is me, at 45. I am relatively happy. I have accomplished some good things. I have a few dreams. I like me. This is me.

 

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

SWDB: October, 2018

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...
Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Outside my window...

It is grey. I dropped off the children who are going on a trip with their father tomorrow. I arrived at work and feel like I have traveled 1,000 miles already. It is 8:00 a.m. I am exhausted.

I am thinking...

that I have no idea where my life is going (as per usual). A minute ago, I was buying a house with my boyfriend, kids, and mother to move into. Then someone else got our perfect house. Now we are totally stalled out. I haven't seen bf in over a week for various outside reasons. And a lot has happened in that week. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going. I am so used to this feeling - but it doesn't mean I like it.

I am thankful...

for my beautiful children. They are growing and "becoming" so fast, I can barely keep up. Lucinda wrote me a letter that said, "Dear Mom, I would like to do more reading and writing with you." Yes, please, yes! Jacks just transitioned to a big-boy bike with training wheels, and for the first time in his life, he is showing some hesitation and caution, riding slowly to avoid toppling on the corner turns. Incredible. He is always 1,000 mph speed ahead! I am also thankful we just had a lovely if terribly, terribly brief visit with my sister Lauren, who came to help Mom start the "cull 50 years of stuff in the house" project. Thank you for all your hard work, Lauren, and your tender love. I am going to pretend you aren't leaving this morning. Let a girl dream.

I am wearing...

an old outfit, a junky, not-really-for-work outfit of burgundy sweat-type pants and black and white flannel shirt, ala 1990s. I am so tired I want to be in bed, so this outfit is like being under the covers. ;)

I am creating...

a better home for my kids. Lucy said this week, "I feel more at home at Daddy's." :( We need to deep clean my house, throw out half the clutter shit, and start over. I don't know how long we will live in this apartment, so I better put some love back into it.

I am going...
to scream if this god-forsaken cold doesn't go away this week. I am on day 18, hacking and coughing, sniffling and weary. W.T.F. Super Virus. Fucking super virus. I am also going to quit smoking starting tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.

I am wondering...

so many things. If I am hindering the progress of my little ones by not having enough money to send them to gymnastics, singing lessons, soccer, basketball, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, etc etc etc. Whether S will ask me to pay more of the share of money, even though I don't know how I could. Whether my bf still wants to be with me. How to get everything done at work. How to clean my fucking house, have some down time, see my friends and bf, put to bed my garden, get over this cold, help Mom pack her house, and organize my life - oh, and dye my fucking hair - all in 6 days while they are gone. Seems unlikely.

I am reading...

the Richard Scarry books to my kids last night, even though they weren't listening - they were deep involved in some Barbie warfare/obstacle course scenario. But Lauren and I enjoyed digging deep into the portal of our brainholes and remembering the stories from our wayyyyyy distant childhood. Very satisfying. Good ol' Richard Scarry.

I am hoping...

for some Rachel Time, Hoka Time, a massage, and a haircut. For some money, a trip to Nebraska with the kids, and good Christmas memories. For a beautiful, big-enough house for us all to live peacefully and happily in. For my heart to get sorted out.

I am learning...

What am I learning? Hmm.......

In my garden...

are two bigggg swings that I bought the children, that I very much do NOT want to leave out in the snow all winter to rust. I want to bring them in, but that will require a bunch of non-existent room in my house to appear. Could this happen???? Maybe....

In my kitchen...

are so many papers stacked up that I want to burn the house down. My endless torture in this entire life are the stacks of paper I cannot seem to control, which burden me with their gimme-gimme and their endless tasks that I should be doing. If I could find a way to escape the monster that is paper piles, I might be a more balanced, happy person. I really have no hope of this happening in my lifetime.

A favorite quote for today...

Be like the tree and the birds will come. ~Rumi [I think.]

A peek into one of my days...
Oh nobody wants to see that shit.

One of my favorite things...
is when Jack likes to lie on me like a blanket and cover me, snuggle into me, and body-hug me. That boy is the most complicated person in my life and he has stolen my heart. I love him FIERCELY. I would definitely lie in traffic for him.

Post Script

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

GL #2

1. Snow
2. The Moby wrap...baby is in it and this seems to be the only way to get anything done today. Though back pain will surely result.
3. Food.
4. Emeli Sande - just discovered her music and i really like her.
5. The steady stream of movies, chocolate, and money that keeps showing up. Thank you to everyone who is sending this stuff. You know who you are.
6. A husband who seems to be on the long haul with me. These short roads, the day to day, are sometimes brutal. But we keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow we keep managing.
7. Pampers...that is re: Marie's previous comment.
8. Formula, since my little wumpkin is eating like it's going out of style, and i can't keep up with him! Am using formula to supplement. He could not care less.
9. The baby whisperer, Dr. Harvey Karp, bc though i have been cursing him while my baby is screaming his wee head off, i am still using his techniques...and sometimes they work! (They worked like a charm on Lucinda.)
10. A union contract that allows me to stay home with this baby and not worry about being unemployed later. Thank you, NHESO.

~ Ally

Plan of Attack re: PPD

Am experiencing a good, hearty dose of post-partum depression. We are almost at week five since Jack's birth. I have had lots of help at home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. Lots of company, which I set up ahead of time. But still, I feel major moments of despair and hopelessness. I often feel mildly apathetic, frustrated, cranky, and very impatient, like I just can't deal...followed promptly by severe guilt. Lots of weeping. I don't know if it is because of the hormones, the difficulty of adjusting from one kid to two, the lack of structure in my new life, or lack of sleep, or general weakness on my part. But then again, the reason doesn't matter so much, does it? So this is going to be my first plan of attack. Having a plan is already helping me feel a little better. In no particular order...

1) Reach out and ask for help. (done)
2) Get some better drugs.
3) Talk to doctor (my check up appt is this week).
4) Walk with Jack in stroller. [Is it okay to bundle him up and take him out even though it is very cold and sometimes snowing? I do have a carseat cover thing that zips up.]
5) Make a daily Gratefulness List (GL).
6) Go out in the mornings while Lucy is at daycare and do some visiting.
7) Spend more time with Jenn, who is always a big supporter.
8) Try to avoid crutching on my vice. (argh)
9) Drink some. (I do not have any problem with drinking, so maybe one here and there will help me chill out.)
10) Shop with Jack (I have some gift cards to burn)...a little retail therapy. This could also include getting my hair cut, which always makes me feel better.
11) Sleep more. (oy)
12) Call Gerry, the post-partum counselor from the Family Place (and a previous friend). (and it's free)


Gratefulness List for today:
1) I have a healthy, beautiful baby boy and a healthy, sweet toddler who is coping with these changes quite well, all things considered.
2) The blessing snow that has been falling yesterday and today to comfort me (thank you God, got the message).
3) Scott, ever helpful.
4) The wonderful women who have been staying with us to help us through: Mom, Rebecca, and soon to arrive, Fran.
5) Random money that seems to keep showing up when we need it (again, thank you).

Wish me luck.
~Ally

Sweet Baby Jack

Announcing little Jack Lawrence Snyder, born January 22 to proud parents Scott and Ally, and excited big sister (age 18 months), Lucinda Grace. We love you, baby.

~Ally