http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...

Thursday, March 12, 2020

Outside my window...
is a grey cement block with a cell tower on it. Super boring. But just enough light through my window to grow five beautiful plants. Grateful.

I am thinking...

about the nature of human flexibility. It is a difficult character trait for me to be very good at. But it continues to be necessary more than most other qualities, necessary in succeeding at life.

I am thankful...

for a real family, odd as it is configured, after all. There is me and the kids, my ex, my current partner, and my mom. Throw in some friends and neighborhood buddies, some mom/dad friends (meaning, because of the kids). and some long-losts. It feels like home anyway.

I am wearing...

the same jeans for four days in a row. A sure sign of depression/boredom/the blahs.

I am creating...

children who routinely ask the big questions, wonder about the world and how they can affect it, care about others (even strangers), and seek to know spiritual truths. I am creating children who know who they are and value themselves, all while they learn about each other. They have a lot of theories about a lot of things. Never short on confidence, imagination, or questions. This makes my heart glad.

I am going...to go with the flow with this crazy coronavirus. Everything is a question mark - everything at work, on my calendar, in the future. There's nothing I can do but flow.

I am wondering...

if I will ever get a vacation this year. Like a real vacation. Every one seems to slip just out of reach. I truly need to get away with some me time, some adult time, or I'm gonna go nuts. Part of the depression slog is just a pure lack of vacation. I honestly can't remember the last vacation. For me - probably California last January (ugh), and for the family, Indiana in June. Not sure I have been anywhere since then. Grape Island...which is fun but a whole lot of work. I am talking about relaxation.

I am reading...

 

I am Having So Much Fun Here Without You: A Novel, by Courtney Maum.

I am also addicted to the podcast "Strangers."

I am hoping...

for a vacation. Everything else I thought I had in place just came spontaneously crashing down, so why not shoot for the stars?

I am learning...

to wait. And then wait. And wait some more. Patience....this is taking me a whole life to learn.

In my garden...

I bet the tiny daffodils are sprouting. They certainly are at home! It has been so unseasonably warm. All the little flowers - tulips, daffodils, crocuses, snow drops (!!), day lilies are poking up through the soil and showing their stems. I hope they don't get frozen and crushed with another winter snow - likely - but maybe they won't! If we had a long spring this year, that would make a HUGE difference to my mood. Some time in the garden/dirt would do me a world of good.

In my kitchen...

there are multiple undone or unfinished art projects. My kids seem to have gone off art somewhat. Which is so sad for me as I loved doing art projects with them! Now if I can get them to color for 20 minutes it's a miracle.

A favorite quote for today...

"A balloon only floats when it's filled with helium. So fill up those dreams so they can get off the ground!"

A peek into one of my days...

One of my favorite things...
is the sensory swing. Kinda feel like taking a nap in it right now.

Post Script 

Water what you want to grow.

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Turning to Gratefulness to Cheer Myself Up

Recently I suffered a bit of a setback in the heart department. Coming to terms square in the face with some disappointing relationships and unmet needs. I am trying to remember to praise for all the wonderful things in my life - and there are many - and not focus on the holes...but the body and spirit feel differently than the logical mind...at least in my case. So I am again utilizing this exercise from christiezimmer.com.

Six things, people, and places you adore:

1. Being kissed and hugged by my boy. Yesterday I saw him in the morning as I dropped off Lucy at her Dad's house. Jack screamed, "Mommy!!!!!!" and gave me the sweetest loves. That boy fills up my heart.
2. I have PLANS TO adore my new office that Bob, Nate, and Rob have created and prepared for me. The walls are a golden yellow/tan color and two walls are "Rachel Pink" (which is truly Rachel and Me pink, from all our trips). There is crisp white ceiling and molding, a pretty sun-filled window, a space for my sewing table - what there was of it - and now, the cube bookcase I have always wanted, with rose back wall and white shelves, in perfect squares. I can't wait to unpack and create a space warm and full of love and Me Space.
3. My garden. The garden road is open again, drive-able. I need to dig out my perennials and take them to my new house. But it's hard to truly imagine giving up that sacred space. Not sure I will.
4. Liz and Tara, two of my coworkers who like to come talk early in the morning. We share stories, feelings, encouragement, and by the end of the workday, laughs, and my classic photos of monkeys doing silly things to cheer us. I am very grateful for them.
5. Doing Girl Scouts with my girl, Lucinda. Tonight we will probably deliver more GS cookies around the neighborhood. Tomorrow we will go to a field trip at the Christa McAuliffe Planetarium and Saturday she has cookie booth at Dunks, allowing me some 1:1 with Jack for an hour. I love her heart for others.
6. I adore my old single life. I have an urge to road trip, to drive to Canada on a whim, to listen to music loudly in the car, to write long journal entries, to have coffee and pie and a cigarette in a Midwestern diner (don't judge me, it's blissful). I miss that girl.

One thing you've worked hard to achieve: 

I have worked hard to achieve a respected reputation at work, to be dependable, reliable, a good writer and editor, a good responder to questions, a problem solver, a contributor (though this also drives people crazy sometimes), to be a good communicator, organized, an excellent planner who pulls off conferences and events making it look seamless and smooth (no matter what's going on in the background), someone who remains professional while others are acting out bad behavior, and someone who chips in and helps, who values teamwork and kindness over back-stabbing and gossip. I am not perfect and some of these areas are more of a struggle for me than others. But I will continue to give respect and hold high standards, in the hopes of getting the same in return. All I can control is me. Today I will work on doing better with my words and keeping them positive and kind.

One thing that's going well right now:

I am doing pretty well at managing out my tax return money. I have a long list of things I want to use it for - some have already been purchased and some are on hold in savings. I am trying to think about priorities when I spend my money. My weakness is always in the dribs and drabs - a coffee here, lunch out bc I didn't take steps to make a lunch, planning $30 for an outing with the kids and accidentally spending an additional $30 on random food nonsense they want or stupid toys.....but I am being conscious about this right now. Noticing my weak spots and working on changing them. I also notice that the deeper I fall into this faith/money project, the more generous I feel with my money - willing to give some up here and there for others bc I am seeing that God is in fact taking care of my basic needs. I am going to keep practicing.
 
Two subjects or pursuits you're passionate about:

I am passionate this year, as I said, in thinking about priorities. How do we spend our time? Our money. Do the things I do each day represent what I say are my priorities and goals? And in lieu of that, where do I need to make adjustments? Some priorities: my kids and their health and social lives/friendships and their sense of safety. I have spent a lot of time and money lately tending to their health - mental and physical - and getting them the swings and weighted blankets (thank you Jesus) for their sense of safety. I have developed a long and sometimes exhausting bedtime routine that they seem to cling to and need, to support their feelings of being at home in my house and feeling safe and loved. I am trying to listen more - to ask them what they think or how they feel and then just hush and listen in case they want to speak and it takes a minute. I am having a lot of friends over to help them develop these important relationships; and in doing so, I am building my mom/dad tribe that I can lean on when I need support. Another priority: time with my sister. I didn't have enough money to take us to go see her. But I am trying to be more available on the phone via text and checking in. I am hoping to receive a visit from her and sent her some money to help out. I am trying to share some thoughts w her that I have kept to myself for a long time, like about my faith and relationships and inner feelings. I know she cherishes that information. Another priority that I need to spend more time and energy on: my relationship with Hoka, and my relationship with Mom. I am working on carving out some space to tend to them in their love languages [H: acts of service, M: quality time]. It's not easy to find the energy for everything but it's important. Also my health - need to quit smoking, need more massage and not to cancel those appts, and need more alone time. Again, how?? Also travel and time with Rachel. Also writing. Oh there are so many. I could go on and on.

I am passionate about my own personal learning and growth over the past year and for the year to come. I am spending time learning new things, sharing them out with others, and facilitating the peer-to-peer learning that is so invaluable (and relatively easy to accomplish). I am putting some time into the adjacent union trainings that supplement my paid work. I am also trying to take advantage of ways to learn how to BE a better trainer - this is something I really want to work on and build my skills. Open to opportunities.

Two people you can count on for warm hugs and kind words:

1. Lucy
2. Caitlyn C.

Three things to look forward to:

1. Listening to part II of Lea Taub's search-for-love story on my new favorite podcast, "Strangers." She is amazing and I love the podcast. I have had the desire to write to every single person she's had on so far. And I may.

2. I am looking fwd to a night in a nice hotel next Thursday and dinner with the friends I only see a few times a year, my conference helpers. It's always a fun time.

3. I am looking forward to escaping this emotional swamp. I don't know if the moon is in a trine or whatever the fuck....but it needs to stop and get on with it. Maybe a little dirty-knees time in my old garden will help. God, I am looking forward to gardening again. I have missed and needed it like you don't even know.

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Oh my....Chiapas is HUGE!

from wikipedia
"Chiapas (Spanish pronunciation: [ˈtʃjapas] (listen)), officially the Free and Sovereign State of Chiapas (Spanish: Estado Libre y Soberano de Chiapas), is one of the 32 states that make up the 32 federal entities of Mexico. It is divided into 124 municipalities as of September 2017^[9][10] and its capital city is Tuxtla Gutiérrez. Other important population centers in Chiapas include Ocosingo, Tapachula, San Cristóbal de las Casas, Comitán and Arriaga. It is the southernmost state in Mexico. It is located in Southeastern Mexico, and it borders the states of Oaxaca to the west, Veracruz to the northwest and Tabasco to the north,^[11] and by the Petén, Quiché, Huehuetenango and San Marcos departments of Guatemala to the east and southeast. Chiapas has a coastline along the Pacific Ocean to the south.

In general, Chiapas has a humid, tropical climate. In the north, in the area bordering Tabasco, near Teapa, rainfall can average more than 3,000 mm (120 in) per year. In the past, natural vegetation in this region was lowland, tall perennial rainforest, but this vegetation has been almost completely cleared to allow agriculture and ranching. Rainfall decreases moving towards the Pacific Ocean, but it is still abundant enough to allow the farming of bananas and many other tropical crops near Tapachula. On the several parallel "sierras" or mountain ranges running along the center of Chiapas, climate can be quite temperate and foggy, allowing the development of cloud forests like those of the Reserva de la Biosfera el Triunfo, home to a handful of resplendent quetzals and horned guans.

Chiapas is home to the ancient Mayan ruins of Palenque, Yaxchilán, Bonampak, Chinkultic and Toniná.^[12] It is also home to one of the largest indigenous populations in the country with twelve federally recognized ethnicities."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiapas

Ten Minutes

There were several signs today that I was going to step in it one way or the other. Not that the day is over...

My horoscope started like this:
"You're learning, but you're just not quite there yet. The Fool signifies inexperience and, of course, a certain amount of foolishness when it comes to love...there is still plenty for you to learn...keep your eyes open for roadblocks along the way and try not to stumble over them." Riiiiight.

My mind was all over the place today, darting from one subject to the next, wandering, fixating, drifting....

I managed to get a good deal of work done despite it all. And bought a couch. And made some appts and managed some paperwork. But really, with the sheer amount of energy I had, a little focus would have been helpful.

I now have 7 minutes left to decompress the day before switching gears to Mommy Mode. Am about to go pick up Lucy for 1:1 time, Tuesdays w Lucy - one of my favorite days of the week. But I am anxious and nervous, as I often am before picking up the kids, and also too hyped up on caffeine.

I have been wanting to write all day but can't get the words out. I did a lot of business writing today, as well as editing, so that exercised the muscle. But there are things that need to be said. They will have to wait.

Another roller coaster today: my emotions. Honestly, maybe it's ALL due to too much caffeine!

I am on the verge with so many projects. The precipice. About ready to leap.

And in other personal projects, I have started, and now am in an uncomfortable place. Like the church project - I finally joined a group and now I find myself weekly in a very uncomfortable, ill-used space of thinking about and moreso, talking about, my faith. I told my friend about this yesterday and he said, "Well good for you for stretching yourself." It was then I realized, yes, that is what I am doing. Not entirely sure why but the time seemed right. I have been exploding with learning all year, and soaking it all up like a sponge. But this church thing...there are so many personal hurdles to overcome. I don't like that there isn't really anyone I can talk to about it.

Next day (2/19)
...Nobody else in my circle except for one friend shares my faith per se, and can discuss it openly. Most people I am close to reject religion or do not know how to talk about it. Speaking of unused muscles, I am now using one of mine.

I did make several goals w Rachel this year (side-by-side, but independent for the most part). I have managed to make progress on a few already! Only February! I make goals instead of resolutions. No point in making promises I can't keep...but having a direction to walk...that i find helpful. And I can use the goals as a navigational beacon throughout the year. I go back to them a lot.

Did revive my peer training project in the union at work, so that is positive. Also continue on the monthly newsletters. Have been serving friends in a variety of ways - and have been compelled to do so, even beyond what feels reasonable. I have been following my heart. And all works out.

I am doing a faith project re: finances and have completely redone my budget accordingly. This Sunday, I decided to sponsor a second child from Compassion International. Both boys are in Chiapas, Mexico, but that is a state and I don't have a handle on how big of a territory it is. Suppose I better do some research. I want to be more supportive emotionally and with letters to Cristian, and now we will also get to know Allejandro. He is a little older, maybe 11-12, and I hope he feels supported by us as the months go by. They said at church that the families receive a lot in terms of food, healthcare, education, resources when one child is sponsored. Often the siblings will rejoice when one gets chosen. That makes me happy.

I continue my intense project (with work friends) on racial bias, and so am v conscious right now of White Saviorism, and very much not interested in that effect. But this organization asked for help and the children are in extreme poverty and in dire need of assistance. The children ask for sponsorship, so I am going to proceed with love and humility. Thank you, God, for this opportunity to reach out to one the way I wish we could reach out to many.

Off to a meeting. More focused today. Rather productive. Also bored and a little iffy emotionally. But mostly fine.

Ally

Gratitude Exercise

I have been thinking a lot about gratitude lately - not just in November. Trying to cultivate it as a mindset, practice it as a verb, and feel it on a more regular basis. Gratitude leads to joy, so they say.

I am borrowing this exercise from christiezimmer.com.

Six things, people, and places you adore:

1. The warm and sunny succulents greenhouse at the Berkshire Botanical Gardens in Mass.
2. The living room of my Aunt Anne's house.
3. Having holidays with family and attached friends.
4. Watching my boy swing in his new sensory swing from sensoryscout.com, which I hope will bring him more calm and the ability to self-regulate through his big emotions.
5. Sitting in my hammock swing at the garden in summertime, when I have nowhere to be (no rush) and I can swing until I close my eyes and nap the most peaceful naps under the sun.
6. My nieces and nephew in Nebraska, whom I miss with all my heart. I love playing board games with them and hysterically laughing.

One thing you've worked hard to achieve:

I am working so, so hard to learn the hand-in-hand parenting techniques and to achieve a way of stay-listening with my boy and my girl; I am working so hard to change my lens from seeing "bad behavior" to seeing "a reach-out for connection." This is going to be a really long road.

One thing that's going well right now:

I have a beautiful, safe place to live that is feeling more and more like home. I look forward to decorating for Christmas, and maybe in the process, unpacking/removing a few more boxes.

Two subjects or pursuits you're passionate about:

I am grateful that I have the opportunity through my work to be doing a deep-dive study on racial bias and discrimination, particularly in re: privileged white people (which is all white people in America). I am very passionate about learning to recognize institutionalized, ingrained racism in several aspects of society, as well as getting real about personal racism in me; and I am passionate to learn how to be a better human. I am also grateful to my partner who has taught me so much about the (shit) plight of Native Americans in this country since the whites arrived. The slights are everywhere.

The other thing I am really passionate about is helping people learn through and live through their grief - whether it be death of a family member or friend, or someone in their community, whose death rocked them to the core (such as the death of a schoolmate you might not have known well, but you can't stop thinking about it). I have made friends with grief, and have studied (and continue to study) the many manifestations and expressions of grief. I do believe that a loving community can support a person through grief in a productive and accepting way. I would like to be part of that community. [You can connect with my grief support group on FB at "Life After Dad Support Group" if you need a friendly place to land.]

Two people you can count on for warm hugs and kind words:

1. My mom
2. Irv, my best friend

Three things to look forward to:

1. Taking Jenn's girls and my two little ones to the holiday lights drive-through festival. I hope this works out tomorrow!
2. The holiday Cookie Craze this Sunday - fire trucks, Santa, and tables stuffed with homemade cookies....what could be better??
[It is bothering me that I can't see five feet in front of me "down the road" of my life. It has been like this for some time but it is starting to really bother me. Right now I cannot "see" past January 2nd!]
3. Starting my grad degree, which will hopefully be step 1 in the many steps toward my business plan coming to fruition.


I think I need to put some things on the calendar after January 2. This is the time of year I am usually prepping mentally for my mid-January union conference. This year I am not going, as I wanted to give the space to other folks. So now there's a gaping black hole called "silent winter" that I need to do something about. Hmm....

Thank you Christie.

~Ally

SWDB: November 15, 2019

 

http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

For Today...

Friday, November 15, 2019

Outside my window...
It is suddenly almost 60 degrees again, after a week or more of 20 degree winterization. I am finding as I age that I just cannot tolerate the cold anymore. Which stinks. So this is the progression that turns good New Englanders into snowbirds.....I am starting to get it.

I am thinking...

about Christmas, a holiday and time I love so much, in which my boyfriend does not partake. We will be having all the (previous) in-laws from Scott's side of the family for the holidays at our house. Which Bob refuses to help decorate. I can totally respect his views, but wondering if he can respect and/or tolerate mine. First time we are really put to the test. Fingers crossed...

I am thankful...

to have Nate and Becca home. To have my Christmas letter done and sent out. To know I can reach most of my friends and family through email and Facebook. Thank you, Lauren, for finally getting on the wagon. See how nice it is to stay in touch?

I am wearing...

a black and white sweater, jeans - need new ones - and weird socks bc mine are all still packed and I have no idea where they are. Moving is a really weird state of being.

I am creating...

a new bedtime routine with my girl which includes listening together to a meditation exercise. She really seems to enjoy this and when I tried to skip it last night, she protested quite a bit. She is clinging to connection and closeness right now. I suppose I'd better relish the opportunity while it is before me.

I am going...
to attempt to do some relaxing on Sunday by myself. And to take the kids with friends to a craft fair tomorrow because who doesn't love a craft fair?

I am wondering...

if I will ever not be exhausted. It seems like I have been almost 100% in this state for the last nine years. Is there coming a day when I will feel healthy, happy, and energized? I cannot even imagine.

I am reading...

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo, which is VERY good and a real heart-bender. Am also finishing up The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine Aron, PhD, and Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore. All phenomenal and highly recommended. I can guarantee you need to read all of these, even if you don't have children, even if you think you're not affected by racism (you are), and even if you don't think you are sensitive (because someone in your life is and would really appreciate you reading this book).

I would like to be reading Edith Wharton's A Backward Glance: An Autobiography and a relaxing novel, bathtub-side. But let's not dream so big we can't accomplish it, right?

I am hoping...

to have some quiet alone time during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, as the kids will be gone to New York. Am also hoping to enjoy a wonderful holiday season of splinkles and sprinkles and fun. And to get a vacation one of these days - possibly alone. And to see my sister.

I am learning...

to ride the emotional waves. They keep coming. There may NOT be a time "when things slow down," as so many of us keep chanting but being disappointed about. The kids will have their chapters of insecurity and then they will live through them. I can now say I weathered a time when my kid hated me. That is cool to have survived. I can say I helped our family through another transition. I can say my Mom is settled in a safe place. I can say that Yes, I DID move three houses into one over the summer and survived! Each moment makes us stronger and wiser. But those lessons don't always last. No worries...another lesson is right around the corner. What goes up must come down. And thankfully, what goes down, will go back up. [Thank you, Mom, for this invaluable lesson.]

In my garden...

Ohh. It too is in transition. Need to make several trips there to clean it up and bring things to the new house. But it's just so darn cooooollllld.

In my kitchen...

is very little rotten fridge food, very much in the stocked pantry, and only ONE rotten frozen banana, Kristen. :) I feel like I am finally growing up. [It's really due to having a legit cook in the house, my partner.]

A favorite quote for today...

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” ― Steve Jobs

 

A peek into one of my days...

One of my favorite things...
is writing.

Post Script 

Live every day as if you are lucky enough to stand next to the world's largest candy bar!

Thank you for reading.
~Ally

Affordable Self-Care

"Affordable Self-Care Plan"

I was listening to a podcast yesterday (episode 112) on one of my favorite channels called Your Anxiety Toolkit, with Kimberly Quinlan.

The guest speaker was talking about demystifying self-care for the not-so-wealthy of us, and realizing how easy it is and basic to care for ourselves in a more intentional and kind way.

So here is my no-cost Self-Care list of choices:

- Go to bed earlier.
(This was the number one item discussed.) For as easy and obvious as this is for some of you [morning people], it is equally challenging and mystifying for the rest of us [night people]. At night is when I am most myself, most alive, brimming with ideas and solutions, and not wanting my last remaining scraps of adulting time to end and merge - like slime - into another difficult morning. So I resist going to bed at all costs. Meanwhile, I totally love sleep and totally agree it is often the very most important thing to changing the direction of my thoughts and getting my emotions out of the swamp. I just literally cannot cope lately, as exhaustion (physical, mental, emotional) has hit a major peak. I think I need more sleep.

- Play the piano. I cannot seem to get ONE MINUTE alone in my house lately. But at least I can sink into the music and ignore everyone if I am playing.

- [I feel like I am supposed to say: Take a walk outdoors. And though this is always enjoyable it also feels incredibly boring to me and I want to come up with something way more appealing.]......

- Spend 2 minutes looking at the sky. Stay in one place and either lay on the ground looking up or stand and slowly make a circle with my head tipped back so I can see the entire dome of the sky. Notice what is there and what is not. Done.

- Notice when you stand up; notice when you sit down.
This is an exercise I got from a training my friend did on mindfulness. I have yet to be able to accomplish it. But it could be a goal. I would probably add, "and take one breath."

- Sit or lie quietly with someone I love. Maybe my children.

- Walk the perimeter of my property. Alone! [am sensing a theme...]

- Visit with the chickens in the barn. Get them used to their snuggles.

- Stretch in my office with the door closed.
I used to be good about turning off the light, closing the door, and doing this for 5 minutes on break. I haven't in a while. It's time.

- Peruse the greeting card aisle (one of my all-time favorites) and snap a pic of funny ones to send to friends at opportune moments. Always fun.

- Give a hug that lasts beyond when the other person lets go.
I have a couple friends at work I get up and go hug every once in a while. They always seem to appreciate it. Of course this is a "know your audience" situation, as not everybody likes to be hugged, especially without asking. And of course, be especially wary at work. I only hug these folks bc I am friends w them and have known them for years and they like to be hugged. [You can tell bc they hug back hard.]

- Practice "Say three things I am grateful for before turning the key in the ignition."

- Get sunshine on my face, even for 5 mins. 
The same woman at work who practices mindfulness is oft seen out front of the building with her face to the sky and her eyes closed. Vitamin D therapy time. It only takes a minute. Do nothing else at the same time.

- Smile at myself in the mirror.
[Tell your mind to "settle down" when it automatically says something mean.]

- Shut up and listen. You don't always have to respond.
I am practicing this in multiple ways.

- Thank your body for carrying on.

- Pray for two friends who are struggling. This also only takes about a minute.

- Turn off the radio in the car and be quiet for a few.

- Just hug the kids without saying anything.

That oughta get me started....

Ally