GL #4

Well, we made it through the Dark Night of the Soul, Baby Edition, in other words, the two month shots. Misery! But baby is in tact, we are still married, and Lucinda got lots of attention. Special thanks to Gramma Char, to our doctor (who os just right for us and who enjoys our children), and to the birds, who have returned for Spring.

~ally

GL #3

1. The babies are asleep.
2. Mama got lunch.
3. Accomplished taking Lucinda to and from daycare, with Jack.
4. Am watching a movie. For the moment at least.
5. The house has not burned down.
6. Survived a walk with both babies yesterday, and some play time with the babies, and waiting a long time for Daddy to come home...had to work late.
7. I don't have to pay for parking (am watching a movie about NYC).
8. Remembered to drink water.
9. Didn't yell at Lucinda when she refused to get in her carseat. Just waited.
10. SHOWERED. When Mama gets a shower after a day without a shower, it feels like a double bonus clean.

~ Ally

Tis Late

Tis Late 

by April Bernard

 

Of course the tall stringy woman

draped in a crocheted string-shawl 

 

selling single red carnations

 

coned in newsprint the ones

 

she got at the cemetery

 

and resells with a god bless you

 

for a dollar that same woman 

 

who thirty years ago

 

was a graduate student

 

in playwriting who can and will

 

recite "At the round earth's

 

imagined corners, blow--"

 

announces silently amidst her louder

 

announcements that the experiment

 

some amateurs mixed of

 

white fizzing democracy

 

with smoky purple capitalism

 

has failed. We already knew that.

 

Her madness is my madness

 

and this is my flower in a cone

 

of waste paper I stole from

 

someone's more authentic grief

 

but I will not bless you

 

as I have no spirit of commerce

 

and no returning customers

 

and do not as so many must

 

actually beg for my bread. It is another

 

accident of the lab explosion

 

that while most died and others lost legs

 

some of us are only vaguely queasy

 

at least for now 

 

and of course mad conveniently mad

 

necessarily mad because 

 

"tis late to ask for pardon" and

 

we were so carefully schooled 

 

in false hope schooled

 

like the parrot who crooks her tongue

 

like a dirty finger

 

repeating what her flat bright eyes deny.

GL #2

1. Snow
2. The Moby wrap...baby is in it and this seems to be the only way to get anything done today. Though back pain will surely result.
3. Food.
4. Emeli Sande - just discovered her music and i really like her.
5. The steady stream of movies, chocolate, and money that keeps showing up. Thank you to everyone who is sending this stuff. You know who you are.
6. A husband who seems to be on the long haul with me. These short roads, the day to day, are sometimes brutal. But we keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow we keep managing.
7. Pampers...that is re: Marie's previous comment.
8. Formula, since my little wumpkin is eating like it's going out of style, and i can't keep up with him! Am using formula to supplement. He could not care less.
9. The baby whisperer, Dr. Harvey Karp, bc though i have been cursing him while my baby is screaming his wee head off, i am still using his techniques...and sometimes they work! (They worked like a charm on Lucinda.)
10. A union contract that allows me to stay home with this baby and not worry about being unemployed later. Thank you, NHESO.

~ Ally

Plan of Attack re: PPD

Am experiencing a good, hearty dose of post-partum depression. We are almost at week five since Jack's birth. I have had lots of help at home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. Lots of company, which I set up ahead of time. But still, I feel major moments of despair and hopelessness. I often feel mildly apathetic, frustrated, cranky, and very impatient, like I just can't deal...followed promptly by severe guilt. Lots of weeping. I don't know if it is because of the hormones, the difficulty of adjusting from one kid to two, the lack of structure in my new life, or lack of sleep, or general weakness on my part. But then again, the reason doesn't matter so much, does it? So this is going to be my first plan of attack. Having a plan is already helping me feel a little better. In no particular order...

1) Reach out and ask for help. (done)
2) Get some better drugs.
3) Talk to doctor (my check up appt is this week).
4) Walk with Jack in stroller. [Is it okay to bundle him up and take him out even though it is very cold and sometimes snowing? I do have a carseat cover thing that zips up.]
5) Make a daily Gratefulness List (GL).
6) Go out in the mornings while Lucy is at daycare and do some visiting.
7) Spend more time with Jenn, who is always a big supporter.
8) Try to avoid crutching on my vice. (argh)
9) Drink some. (I do not have any problem with drinking, so maybe one here and there will help me chill out.)
10) Shop with Jack (I have some gift cards to burn)...a little retail therapy. This could also include getting my hair cut, which always makes me feel better.
11) Sleep more. (oy)
12) Call Gerry, the post-partum counselor from the Family Place (and a previous friend). (and it's free)


Gratefulness List for today:
1) I have a healthy, beautiful baby boy and a healthy, sweet toddler who is coping with these changes quite well, all things considered.
2) The blessing snow that has been falling yesterday and today to comfort me (thank you God, got the message).
3) Scott, ever helpful.
4) The wonderful women who have been staying with us to help us through: Mom, Rebecca, and soon to arrive, Fran.
5) Random money that seems to keep showing up when we need it (again, thank you).

Wish me luck.
~Ally

Sweet Baby Jack

Announcing little Jack Lawrence Snyder, born January 22 to proud parents Scott and Ally, and excited big sister (age 18 months), Lucinda Grace. We love you, baby.

~Ally

Merry Christmas, Old Man

    (photo by Scott Snyder)

Dear Dad,

It is almost Christmas and I miss you terribly. You have been gone - where to, exactly? World's longest fishing trip?? - for over four years now. Which is ridiculous. Don't you realize I am verging on child #2, a BOY, and you are missing it? You really should consider popping back in for a few months' visit...

I am missing you this Christmas because time is slipping away from me to do all the holiday fun things I want to do (not the least of which reasons is my enormous pregnancy), and everyone around me seems to be in a rather grinchy mood, and just in general, I miss your love of this time and your sense of wonder. Which somehow I inherited. And miss sharing it with you.

You were known for buying extravagant (and ridiculous?) presents for your granddaughters, Anna and Emma, shoving them away in the front closet where Mom never looks, and then wrapping them yourself and pulling out this massive pile of gifts for under the tree on Christmas Eve when everyone was asleep. We always got presents from Mom and Dad, but we knew there would be at least one special one from just Dad, that no one knew about. Something you had specially gone and picked out, something pricey or classy. And of course the price wasn't the point, but that was how you showed your love. According to the "Five Languages of Love," you were the gift giver.

You would gripe and grouch at Mom for the whole month of December, getting a bit of Grinch stuck in your soul for whatever the annual reason was...then come out with some precious rock in a tiny box for her on Christmas morning. I don't know if she thought that made up for everything previous...but it did always express your undying love for her, at least to me. I knew that you never bought a piece of jewelry out of obligation or "being in the doghouse," but you bought many special things for her out of the generous outpouring of your heart. You were full to the brim with love.

I miss the traditions we all had, like the things the "morning people" did when everyone else was asleep. I of course tried to miss them all at the time, but now, as you may know, I am UP at those ungodly hours - being a mom and all - and now I could actually TALK to you over a morning coffee, or do a Sudoku while you worked a crossword, waiting for everyone else to arise. You could be having those hysterical bonding play moments with Miss Lucinda like you used to have with Anna - special trips out for pancakes ("just the two of us") or playing "preacher" and giving her your humanist/atheist version of a sermon, or making loop pot holders. Which the kids still do. Lucinda is all about morning talks and sharing breakfast treats. You would be in heaven and I would love seeing it.

I miss you insisting on reading "The Night Before Christmas" on Xmas Eve, no matter what other games/activities/mayhem the girls had planned for the evening. I miss you reading "The Owl on Christmas Morn," your most precious poem about your father, every Christmas morning since his death, over twenty years ago...and how every SINGLE year, you and I STILL get choked up over it, and weep - for just a minute - into our orange juice. I miss your sense of family = an aggravating pile of people loaded into the house that you want to get away from (but are sad and lonely if a single one does not show up that year). I miss your generosity and hosting of the festive season.

You loved a party. You needed your "cave time" before and after. You relished the Christmas cookies...as well as a six-stack of Oreos (just as sacred) with glass of milk, taken down to the Man Cave. You would wear holiday colors to the occasions, take the kids (even if they were snotty and sick) out to see Christmas lights, and build an eight-inch snowman with your granddaughter (so she wouldn't be afraid of the full-size one).

Dear god, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you? I miss you every day, Dad. But especially at this time of year. You implanted so many precious goals and inspired dreams, unattainable expectations for others, and a sense of magic and love that will last my entire life. I hope I can impart these to Lucy and Jack. I hope we can remember your spirit every year for the next sixty or so. I hope you can feel my love and know my heart.

Because it is with you. Wherever you may be. "Merry Christmas to all [you], and to all [you] a good night!"

I love you.

~Al

(photo by Scott Snyder)
 

(photo by Steven Johnson)